Fun Family Outing

There are so many great things to do in the Raleigh area for families. Something fun I have done with my family is to boat around on Lake Johnson. Lake Johnson is a fun area to romp around, explore, walk or boat! You can feed ducks or get chased by geese! Doing something fun and different is a great way to invest in your family, show your kids you care and want to invest in them, and just all out have fun together. Whether I'm working with teenagers and their families in family counseling or working with couples and talking about the importance of family, family outings get brought up. Family outings really help to build connection and deepen relationship. Memories are created and a strong family foundation is fostered. There is great benefit to initiating something fun for your family to do. Before the weather gets cold, I encourage you to get outside and do something fun as a family.

Made for Relationship

We were created for relationship. From birth we are in instant relationship with at least one other - the mother who birthed us. Situations change those early relationships: death, divorce, adoption, remarriage, sickness, distance, etc. But still, life has started out in relationship with another. Relationships continue throughout our lives even if we don't participate deeply in them- family, friends, significant others and the list goes on. Just because we were born into relationship though doesn't mean they are easy. Real relationship, deep relationship is difficult and time consuming; it doesn't "just happen" and then they don't just stay that way automatically. Relationships are work, work oftentimes we don't want to do because it requires time and honesty, which can be hard. The difficult stuff is worth it though, because to really be known intimately, and then loved all the more, is an incredible experience. I see many clients who often experience relational difficulty. It's not an uncommon problem. Relationships are tough; we all struggle with them in some form or fashion. And healing in relationships isn't easy, but it is possible! Past wounds do increase the difficulty we have in relationship. Trust can be difficult for those who have experienced betrayal or loss and vulnerability can be a challenge if we've been abused or wounded, but deep relationship is possible. Trust in relationship is achievable. Intimate vulnerability is something you can share with another. These things though take time, work and healing from past wounds. Often, clients I see feel healing isn't possible; they think deep relationship is not an option for them. But ah, how wrong they are! Trust, intimacy and vulnerability are possible for us all - it just takes time, work, healing and perseverance. If you struggle in relationships, consider counseling as an option to uncover where you struggle and how to overcome those struggles to experience deep relationship.

More Raleigh Date Night Ideas

Trying new places to eat can be fun and exciting and help keep the relationship fresh and growing! And it's a great part of a fun date night. We all have a tendency to get stuck in a rut and go to the same places time after time. Now I'm a big fan of having a few favorite places to go back to, but I have seen the benefit in clients I work with in couples counseling or marriage counseling in trying new things. My husband has pushed me to try new foods and that has definitely opened up good conversation and a few new food likes for this picky eater! A new place that just recently opened in downtown Raleigh is Beasley's Chicken and Honey. This place has a fantastic set up! While I haven't yet sampled the food, I have talked to many who have and tell me it is great! I sat beside two guys who had just devoured some chicken and told me it was delicious! I must say, I was wishing I had a piece of that chicken to taste, but we'd arrived too late and the kitchen had closed. They have great looking sides and the dessert menu looked scrumptious! Date night can be a time to push yourselves out of your comfort zones - taste buds and emotions can be challenged! While fried chicken isn't new to many of us southerners, still, a new restaurant is fun to try. And while you're there, push yourselves to talk about more than just the usual "how was your day" or business-of-life items (work, kids, finances, honey-do lists, etc). Talk about your relationship - the good stuff and the difficult. Reminisce on fun memories the two of you share. Discuss things you'd like to learn about - new hobbies or interests. Dream about your future together - places you want to see, things you'd like to accomplish together. Date nights like these can really help strengthen your relationship and build a strong foundation in your marriage. As I've mentioned before in another blog post, you can always come to the date prepared with fun questions or conversation topics to talk about; there doesn't have to be pressure to come up with things to talk about on the spot! There are great question books out there to help break up the monotony of conversation and get you connecting at a deeper level! That will help if coming up with ideas to talk about or questions to ask gives you a knot in your stomach! So Raleigh, try new restaurants and deepen your relationship all at the same time! Yumm! I know I'm excited about a Beasley's date night!

Finding a Christian Counselor

It can be hard to find a counselor that matches your belief system. But they are out there, so keep searching! If you are looking for a Christian counselor, Focus on the Family has a link that lets you search for a counselor by your location and by the counselor's specialties. Focus on the Family also has some great resources, articles and links to other resources as well on a variety of topics. The counselors on the Focus on the Family Counseling Referral list must complete a lengthy application assessing the counselor's education, background, counseling style, beliefs and approaches to various counseling situations. Counselors on their list have been approved and are licensed professionals. This is a great way to find a Christian counselor who is a licensed professional in your area. I also encourage you to browse around their site, read some articles or look at other resources they have made available.

Benefits of Getting Alone

There is relevance in being alone; solitude is important. It's beneficial to be able to be by yourself and be OK. If you are not able to be alone for at least small periods of time and be OK, something is going on. Being alone helps us to know ourselves and grow in comfort with ourselves. Solitude can increase self awareness through reflection on how we are doing, what we like, how we feel, etc. I encourage my clients in counseling to set aside time regularly to be alone. Perhaps it's going to a coffee shop, like Cafe Helios downtown, and journaling. Maybe it's taking a scenic drive or going for a hike (safely) at Umstead State Park. Consider it investing in yourself. Ultimately this helps all aspects of your life: work-life balance, relationships, friendships, even self-esteem. The more we know ourselves, the more we can invest in ourselves, the healthier we can become. In a world full of distractions, it is important to be able to get alone and rest, reflect and sift through all the noise. This way we can determine who we are, what we like, what we need and what is healthy and true. 

Living a Love Story

A dear friend of mine led me to this blog by Donald Miller. I've read many of his books but haven't followed his blog. This post stopped me in my tracks and was inspiring. He talks about how to live a great love story (and while this one is for the girls, he posts here for the boys). I see many young girls - teenagers and young adults - in counseling and we always come around to the topic of boys eventually. I hear from them (and experienced in my own life) the pressure from society to be alluring, perfect and easy sexually. But for those of us who live our lives according to God's Word, Scripture tells us something completely different. We are told not to conform to what the world says, but to be transformed by the Word so we can know what God's will is for us (Romans 12:2). We are told that marriage is sacred and the marriage bed (intimacy, sex) is to be protected (Hebrews 13:4). We are called to live a life counter-cultural. Society says "have fun", "do what feels good", "give yourself away freely in order to get anything in return". But this only leads to damaged hearts, low self esteem and broken relationships. If we live as Scripture teaches, we are truly living a great love story and set ourselves up for an incredible love story of our own. I encourage you to take some time and read Donald's blog referenced above. If you're looking for more reading about premarital sex and what Scripture says, take a look at this article.

Serve your Community & Boost your Mood

A great way to kick depression, increase self esteem and get involved in your community is through serving. Volunteering in your community can significantly impact your mood for the better and increase self esteem. Getting outside ourselves helps us to realize things for which we can be thankful; it helps us to know we can make a difference. The surprising twist of volunteering is that typically we end up feeling joy in return for helping others! It feels good to get outside ourselves and help. When all we do is stare at our own circumstances, we can feel hopeless. But when we take time to serve others, we see a bigger perspective; life isn't solely about what is in front of our faces. There are great organizations in the Raleigh area that need volunteers. The Raleigh Rescue Mission and the Shepherd's Table Soup Kitchen are just two of these local organizations where you can serve and volunteer. These are great places to serve on your own, with your family or grab a bunch of friends and volunteer! I encourage clients that I see in counseling to get outside themselves every now and then and volunteer! Depression keeps us focused inward on our pain, discouragement and current circumstances. Volunteering helps us to see that life isn't just about what we are experiencing currently; there are others in our community who are also having a difficult time, struggling to make ends meet and needing help. When we can reach out and help others, we feel more connected to our community and also a sense of empowerment that we can make a difference! I encourage you to look for opportunities to serve in your area. If you live in the Raleigh area, consider contacting one of these agencies to volunteer!

Fun Raleigh Outing / Date Night

Here's a fun outing whether you are looking for a new date night idea or just looking for something fun and different to do in Raleigh with friends! Groupon offers great coupons for local activities and restaurants. Recently I bought the Chubby's Tacos groupon so we could head out for some great tacos and get them at half price! Yumm, I love that place! A great outing or Raleigh date night idea is to head to a local restaurant with your groupon in hand or just head over to Chubby's Tacos if you haven't tried them yet! Enjoy a leisurely dinner and some fun conversation. If conversation doesn't come easy or you are tired of the same old topics, try spicing it up with some get to know you questions like these! It's fun to learn new things about your friend or significant other and I guarantee it'll lead to some laughs! Leave dinner and head to a local bookstore. Browse the travel section and plan a dream trip; look at pictures, maps, read about the culture...and then plan a trip that is realistic in the next year! Go to other sections of the store and try to find books you think your friend or significant other would like to read; show it to them and see how well you know them! You don't even have to buy any books, just enjoy spending time together in a new environment. If you're looking for a sweet treat after you've absorbed enough books, head to LocoPops near NC State! These are great frozen pops and you are supporting a local Raleigh business! You can wander around Hillsborough Street with your pop in hand and enjoy the rest of your evening. Date nights or nights out with friends don't have to be expensive, just doing something out of the norm will help deepen the relationship or friendship!! I encourage clients I'm seeing in counseling to be intentional with their friendships and relationships. This not only helps the relationship to improve but often has a positive impact on mood as well.

The Self Esteem Struggle

Many female clients that I see struggle with low self esteem. In fact, many people in general (myself included) struggle with low self esteem at times. We often play the comparison game; a horrible game that we rarely win. We attempt to fight and often give into messages we hear from those around us, from society, or from the media (Internet, TV, Hollywood, magazines). These messages rarely tell us truth about ourselves, our hearts or our bodies. The messages we receive tell us to change ourselves, fix ourselves and improve ourselves but rarely is it towards health...it is often to push ourselves toward some unhealthy, irrational ideal. We are lied to by these messages yet often we change our habits and our lifestyles (and our budgets) to fit into what these messages tell us to become. How crazy is this?! I encourage clients I see in counseling to filter the messages they hear and determine how true they are, how rational they are, and if they are even near healthy. We discuss the foundation of their identity and who they are allowing to dictate changes in their lives. We discuss rational views of self and ways to challenge the irrational views we often hold for ourselves. We can improve the way we see ourselves and feel about ourselves if we will monitor the messages we listen to and ensure we are listening to messages of truth. Then we must fight to talk to ourselves in kind, truthful and positive ways that lead to healthy lives. We must determine if the sources we are allowing to dictate our identity and feelings about ourselves are valid. If you struggle with feeling low about yourself at time, counseling can be a great outlet to assess your basis of identity and to learn how to filter and challenge unhealthy and unhelpful messages you are hearing! 

Grieving with Hope

In my counseling work I see many clients struggling with grief. They struggle often because of the unhelpful ideas they have or others have given them about grief; our society impacts these unhelpful ideas as well. We hear ideas like "Grieving should be over after the one year anniversary of the lost loved one.", "Once you have dealt with your grief, it shouldn't come up again.", "After a year, you shouldn't get upset about losing your loved one anymore.". There are many other myths about grieving that are unhelpful to those who are bereaved. However, the truth is that grief is a normal reaction to loss and death, each person's experience of grief is unique, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Every loss is different and the grieving process is influenced by a multitude of issues. Grief never ends; we will always miss our loved one who has died and the pain of grief will always be around in some manner at times. Death may end a life, but it doesn't end a relationship. We can learn how to maintain a relationship with the loved one we have lost; though their physical body is no longer present with us, the love and connection that we share remains. For those who claim Christ and believe in His salvation for eternal life, we have a strong hope to cling to in our grief (1 Thessalonians 4:13). We do not have to grieve without hope, for we know what waits past death: eternity! Yes we will grieve and be saddened by our loss; this was someone we loved deeply and miss dearly. But we can grieve in light of the hope that we have and that puts our pain in a different perspective. There are days where the hope is hard to cling to and that is normal. However, if we will remind ourselves of Truth, we can experience joy even in our pain. If grieving with hope is difficult to do and the hope seems difficult to attain, consider Christian Counseling for the grief you are experiencing. It can be a powerful healing experience for you in your loss and pain.

Another Raleigh Date Night Idea

We all know the classic date night: dinner and a movie. Here's a fun extended version of that classic idea if you are looking to make a full night of it enjoying downtown Raleigh. A great Raleigh theater is the Rialto. Nestled in downtown Raleigh, it offers a quaint location and great shows! Head downtown early in the evening and park in the 5 Points area. I love this area of town and could spend hours just wandering around the streets looking at houses and enjoying the great food!  While it's still light out, wander around the gorgeous historic homes off Glenwood Avenue. Head to Lilly's Pizza for a quality pie and then hit up the show at the Rialto. If you are looking for a tasty treat before the show, try Fresh at Five Points. My husband and I recently tried this sweet little ice cream and frozen yogurt shop and loved it! After the show head over to Third Place Coffee House and debrief about the movie; make time to intentionally talk together about not only the movie but also your relationship. What did you like about the movie? What did you dislike? What part was happiest, saddest, funniest, etc? What did it make you think about as it relates to your life? Any way the movie applies to your relationship? Then spend some time talking about your relationship specifically. How have you been feeling about the relationship lately? Share anything you could personally work to improve upon in the relationship. What is one way your significant other really made you feel special over the past week? What is one way your relationship has grown/improved over the past month/week? I encourage couples that I am seeing in marriage counseling or couples counseling to spend time doing these intentional talk times each week. Date night can really infuse love and positive energy into stagnant relationships. And for relationships that are going well, it helps keep things moving forward in an intimate and healthy direction!

Self Harm & Self Mutilation

I often see clients dealing with issues involving self harm or self mutilation. Self mutilation is something that many people- pre-teens, teenagers and even adults, choose as a way to deal with what they are feeling. In my counseling work, I talk with clients about their reasons for turning to self harm as a coping mechanism. I hear all kinds of different things, but often it comes back to pain and not knowing any other way to make the pain go away but to inflict it upon themselves. The client is in pain and doesn't know what to do or how to cope effectively or in a healthy manner and instead turns to self mutilation as a way to make the pain stop or at least lessen. Sadly though, self harm is just a temporary fix for the pain and it often comes back. I believe we were created for relationships. God exists in relationship with Himself, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and He created us for relationship with Him and with others. When we harm ourselves, we are not relating to others. We are only "talking" to ourselves. The pain has no where to go, no way to get better, no shoulder to cry on. Pain needs to be shared, feelings need to be voiced, burdens need to be shouldered- and not just alone. In counseling with clients who use self harm as a coping mechanism, I often encourage them to make a list of healthy, positive alternatives and to remove the items they typically use to harm themselves from their surroundings. We discuss ways to express emotions in healthy ways to others and ways to share feelings with another as openly as possible. If you use self mutilation as a coping skill and realize it's not healthy for you nor is it really making the pain go away, I encourage you to try counseling as a way to help you overcome the struggle and learn that deeper healing is possible for you!

2011 Best of the Triangle

Thanks so very much to all who voted for me to be Best Therapist in the Triangle! I appreciate your votes! It's such an honor and I'm really excited! These are the winners of the Best of the Triangle for 2011 as voted by The Independent's readers. The readers of The Independent voted for the best of 2011 in music, food, arts, and services in Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill and areas in between! Check them out and try something new! Our area has so much to offer.

Taking advantage of Raleigh

I try to blog frequently about things to do in Raleigh for many reasons. 1.Raleigh is a great place to live and there is so much to do, see and experience here. 2.People often complain that there's nothing to do in the place they live; I like to ensure people living in or around Raleigh cannot complain about that because there is so much to do here! 3.It's really important to be involved in our communities, to know what is going on and how to be able to access that. What we see and experience has the opportunity to impact us, to help us to grow, to see new things and mature as people. It also helps our relationships and friendships to grow when we experience fun things or new things together; we get to learn and grow together. Taking advantage of your community and what it has to offer is just one way to do this. Each week The Independent Weekly newspaper is printed and you can find it all around the Triangle area. It's a local newspaper that offers information about Triangle area food, music, film, art and entertainment. You can learn a lot about what is going on in Raleigh, Durham and Chapel Hill (as well as other little areas in the Triangle too). Each year they do a survey and readers get the chance to vote on various categories: Wine & Dine, Music & Clubs, Out & About, Goods, Services, and Media. Then they release a big "Best of" list that has the winners and finalists. The June 8 edition will have the Best of 2011. I encourage you to pick one up and see who won Best of 2011 in the Triangle. My husband and I use the best of list to plan our date nights; that way we don't end up at the same place each date and we can add a little variety into our dates. It helps us to try new things, learn new things about ourselves and each other and experience new things together which helps our relationship to grow. I hope you'll pick up the Independent's June 8 Best of the Triangle edition and start taking advantage of all the great things to see and do (and eat) in Raleigh! If you miss the printed version, they typically post it online. Here are the Best of 2010 winners! Start taking advantage of all Raleigh and the Triangle has to offer!

Raleigh Outdoor Movies & Music

Looking for something new to do for a night out to get you out of your same old routine? Movies in the Museum Park at the NC Museum of Art are a great idea for a night out! There are summer Concerts in the Museum Park as well! Whether you are looking for something fun to do with friends, your family or your significant other, finding something new (and fun) to do is not hard in the Raleigh area if you're willing to look around. A great way to beat the blues of depression is to plug into and take advantage of what your community has to offer. Don't get stuck doing the same thing day after day and don't fall prey to the negative self talk that says to "stay at home". The Raleigh area has so much to offer. Grab a friend or significant other and try heading out to one of these upcoming movies or concerts. Or be bold and brave it alone; challenge yourself to be confident as you are - you don't have to take anyone with you, just go! Yes it may be hot and humid, but doesn't it sound fun to watch a movie or listen to music outside with lots of other Raleigh locals!?

Grief stops for no man

Our society tells us that grief is something we should "get over" or that after a while we should "move on". But this makes no sense to someone who is deeply grieving. And actually, it's just not true. We do not ever "get over" someone we love and shared a relationship with- be it family, a significant other, a child or a friend. We never "move on" from these losses. Yes, we can move forward; we can get back to doing regular life things. But we do not let those relationships go completely, at least I hope you are not because you do not have to. It is appropriate to "move on" from the intense grieving period where crying is a regular occurrence, going to work isn't happening and eating and sleeping are difficult. It's important that you can get to a place where you can complete daily activities such as sleeping, eating, self care and working or going to school. But emotionally grief will resurface often. And it has no timeline, unlike what society tells us. Most people would say that after a year, you should be "over it". But if you have lost a child, a brother, a spouse- is that realistic? I think not! Grief research would agree with me. It is important for grievers to reengage in society - socialize, work, take care of yourself, invest in others. But there is no timeline for grief. It is completely normal if after a year, or after 3 years, or more something reminds you of the one who died and you have a moment to cry and grieve for them. There will be days that you miss them so much you actually ache and that doesn't just happen within the first year. One of the biggest things I work with clients who are engaging in grief counseling is to remove the expectations and time lines they place on themselves that they should be "over it" or "better" than they are. That does nothing to heal the hurts or soothe the loss. It can actually counteract the healing process. Time lines and expectations based on false information or based on our society's view of grief are lies and allowing them to dictate your grief is unhealthy. Take your time to grieve; after all the relationship you had with the one you lost is unique. Grief counseling can help you sort through the pain, wounds and loss you have experienced. But there's no time lines there either! 

Get outside Raleigh!

Depression and stress can leave you wanting to stay inside, crawl in a hole and isolate. You may not "feel" like you want to do anything, but you can choose to do different. And often by choosing the opposite of what you are feeling, you'll begin to feel better. Depression says to you, "stay inside, don't do anything fun, nothing will help, it's hopeless." Stress says, "there's too much, it's all too overwhelming, nothing will help." And thus discouragement sets in. I encourage my clients seeking counseling to get outside; get some good Vitamin D (but wear sunscreen)! :) Choose to be active. Don't let your feelings decide what you will or will not do. Do something new, something fun; get around people. Take some friends, a family member or your significant other and do something outside. This weekend in downtown Raleigh's Moore Square and City Plaza is a great event called Artsplosure. There is art, crafts, music and fun stuff for kids too! Try something new, tap into some creative energy seeing all the fun art and crafts. I hope you'll get outside this weekend Raleigh!

Raleigh Date Night Idea

Here's a local date night idea for couples or just a fun idea of something to do in the Raleigh area for anyone interested.

Movies by Moonlight at Koka Booth Amphiheatre in Cary; these aren't too expensive at all and who doesn't love the idea of sitting outside and watching a movie! Fun idea for a night out in the Raleigh area!

The Success of Persevering

Perseverance is defined as "to persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement" (courtesy of TheFreeDictionary.) Our fast paced society gives us every thing we need at the touch of a finger (thanks Apple) and that has damaged the perseverance of our culture. We no longer need to wait for things, work at things; we just click a button and there is what we need on a screen. The things that clients present to counseling to work on often need consistent and persistent work and most often clients are not willing to give that...at least not for long. Recently there was a huge success in one of the couples I counsel and all the credit goes to them and their perseverance!! They worked in counseling for several years and had been persisting at their goal. They achieved it and are thrilled! Their marriage will be truly blessed by their perseverance, not just in reaching this particular goal, but because of the character and devotion that was developed in their marriage. Not to say they didn't reach moments or weeks of discouragement or obstacles, because they most certainly did. But the difference with this couple is that they persevered and truly it made all the difference. I am so excited for their success but more thrilled for the foundation they have strengthened in their marriage by showing each other and themselves that they are willing and able to persevere through obstacles and discouragement to accomplish the goals of their marriage. Perseverance is a much needed quality; if we'll work to develop this in ourselves, we'll find our goals achieved...just not perhaps in our instant gratification time frame, but in a time frame that develops our character and deepens the intimacy in our relationships. 

Rest...It's a Beautiful Thing

Living in the fast-paced, bustling society we do, rest is not something that is typically prioritized or valued very highly. Yet it can be quite the antidote to stress and anxiety. Learning how to rest, learning what things are restful for you is a much needed skill and a great tool to decrease stress and anxiety. Perhaps it's reading a book, talking a walk, being outside on a beautiful day, engaging in a hobby or sitting at coffee with a good friend; whatever is restful to you, whatever rejuvenates you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually should be prioritized into your routine. We make time for work, bills and gassing up our cars...rest should be included in the things we must do each week too! Counseling can be a great way to learn how to slow down, re-prioritize, filter through what things are actual necessities and what can go and to learn how to rest. Resting isn't always something we can just sit down and do; sometimes it takes some practice and trial and error to learn what actually "rests" us. If we have become hardened to rest and accustomed to a fast pace, learning to slow down is not easy! Certainly rest will ease the intensity of stress and decrease the anxiety or worry that is present when it is regularly incorporated into daily routine and lifestyle. So try to begin resting, being still; incorporate it in to your routine. I bet you see decrease in the stress and worry you currently experience. And if you attempt resting and it's just not helping, maybe reach out for some counseling to help!