Change Your Mind

We often don't realize the power of our thoughts. But they are quite powerful. Our thoughts impact our feelings and our feelings often impact our behavior. Typically we get wrapped up in our emotions and let them lead the way. But we have the ability to control our thought life. We don't control automatic thoughts (the initial thought that comes popping into our minds) but we have the ability to control all the thoughts after that. We can tell ourselves rational and positive things that lead to our negative emotions decreasing and lead to an increase in positive feelings. Learning to control your thoughts will greatly impact your feelings and your overall mood. Counseling can be a great tool to teach you ways to become aware of your thoughts and learn ways to control negative thinking and increase positive thinking. A great way to start doing this on your own is to check-in with your thoughts 3 times a day for a week. During this check-in, write down what you are thinking for a few minutes 3 times a day. Then at the end of the week, take a look at your writings. I bet you find themes that you are thinking about or topics that appear frequently and often you'll find yourself to be thinking irrational, negative things. Write down positive alternative thoughts to the negative thoughts and then 3 times a day for the following week, read those. You will likely notice that you will begin to think less of the irrational, negative thoughts and more frequently think of the rational, positive thoughts that you were feeding yourself! Try it and see. For more information on this topic, you can read this article I wrote about anxiety and your thought life.

Persistence & Sacrifice

Relationships are tough. Marriage can be more difficult than we ever imagined. In a great deal of my counseling work, I counsel worn out wives. They are trying their hardest to save and improve their marriages and I admire them so! Their persistence and sacrifice is more than admirable; it's inspiring! They get up each day and do their best to love their husbands even when they don't get emotional, mental, physical or spiritual love in return. They love anyways. Why? Because that is what love does. Love is not merely a feeling we feel and respond to; love calls us to action. And these women have entered into a covenant with their husbands. They've said that their marriages are different than the mere contracts that our society views marriage to be. These women have chosen to see their marriages Biblically; something that is broken by death, not unhappiness or inconvenience. They choose daily, sometimes 50 times per day, to love their husbands and choose their marriages over mere happiness. It's my honor to walk beside them as a Christian counselor and continue to encourage them towards their marriages and more importantly towards the Lord. They have persisted and sacrificed. They are a challenge to me in my own marriage to persist and sacrifice.

Grief- It always comes back around...

Grief is a lifelong process. We often think of grief as being something we "get over", "move on from" or "deal with". But grief is more accurately a process that is lifelong. Now it doesn't always look the same or feel the same, but grief always comes back around. We've all likely heard of the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. No one has to go through all 5 stages and they are not walked through chronologically or in some linear fashion. Grief is messy and it looks different for everyone because we are all unique and all experience loss in a unique way. Certain holidays, anniversary dates or circumstances may trigger memories and the grief reappears. Items, songs, people can trigger one's grief to resurface. When I'm counseling with an individual or a couple, we always discuss life losses. The losses in our lives affect us, affect our relationships, and it's important to honor them. It's important to remind ourselves that grief is not a one time thing, not something we experience for one year following a loss and then never again. Grief always comes back around and that is normal. The healthy thing to do is to feel it and process it, honor the loss in some way, honor the relationship we had and have with the one we lost. Counseling can be a powerful tool in the healing process of grief. We never fully "get over" our losses but we can heal and learn to incorporate the losses into our lives in healthy ways. If you're feeling particularly stuck with a loss, life change or transition, I encourage you to seek counseling; learning to grieve and allowing yourself permission to do it can be a powerful tool for healing!  

2 Steps to Battling Depression

Depression can leave a person feeling weighed down, hopeless, worthless and unmotivated. When I'm counseling clients who are experiencing depression, we discuss setting not only a daily routine but setting also a few daily goals. Routine is so important to overcoming depression. A healthy sleep schedule, regular balanced meals, time for fun, social interaction and also a little productivity is a great daily routine when working to overcome depression. In my counseling work with clients experiencing depression, we also discuss goal setting. Depression can leave someone feeling worthless and hopeless. Setting and accomplishing goals - no matter how big or small - adds to self worth, confidence and positive motivation. I encourage the clients I counsel to set 3 small goals each day. Some clients prefer to set them the night before and others start with a planning session in the morning when they get up. Writing down a few manageable, achievable goals will help one begin to overcome depression. This, along with a daily routine - getting up and going to bed at around the same time every day, regular mealtimes, time for fun and social activity and time to accomplish goals - will help the depression begin to decrease. You can take small, easy steps to begin fighting your depression and counseling can be a great help to your battle if you wish!


Always In Process

Relationships include pain; they aren't always movie-like. There is conflict, hurt, wounds and pain. There's also joy and love and blissful times too. When I'm working in counseling with individuals or couples, one partner is often on the verge of leaving. They are done with the work, done with the pain of the relationship. They are tired and wounded. I encourage them towards a bigger view of relationship. A song by The Civil Wars called "Poison and Wine" talks about the beauty and the pain of relationship. Sadly, I recently missed seeing them at The Pour House in Downtown Raleigh, but I'm hopeful they'll come back to Raleigh soon! One member of the group, Joy Williams talks about the heart behind their song. She says, "The longer you know someone - and the longer you allow someone to know you - the more the light and shadows inside each person become more vivid. This song was our attempt at being brutally honest about the dangerous and beautiful process of knowing and being known." If we choose to see the grander picture of our marriages, our relationships, then we can enjoy the "dangerous and beautiful process of knowing and being known." It can be so exciting, so reassuring to know that someone knows you that well and "always will". But all too often, one partner gets too weary of the journey and decides to end the relationship. That leaves the world with yet another divorce, more pain, and more wounded people. I encourage you to seek marriage therapy, couples counseling or individual therapy if you are getting to the place where you think of leaving more often than staying with relationship. Each of our relationships are in process and they have the capacity to turn us into deeper people if we'll see the bigger, grander view of relationship and keep walking forward.

Priorities

Identifying our priorities is an important step in stress management. It's important to take a look at everything on our plates, all our responsibilities, as well as our desires and interests, and then begin to prioritize. We often set too much on our plates and we are unable to complete it all, there's just not enough time in the day; this leads to increased stress and anxiety. One small and easy step to relieving some stress and anxiety in your life is to cut something out. Not everything we do in our days or weeks is necessary. We can, if we choose, say no to something, delegate something of ours to someone else, or just cut something out all together. But it is a choice. We must decide that it is something we are willing to let go of and be OK with that. A slower pace in life is not a bad thing, it can be refreshing and something to be enjoyed! Take a look at the things on your agenda today and throughout this week or month...is there something you could let go of, say no to, or delegate to someone else so that you are experiencing a less stressful and anxious life? This is often a first step I help my clients assess when beginning our work in counseling. Therapy can be a great tool to learn about your priorities and how to create healthy balance in your life.

The Importance of Date Night

When working with couples in couples counseling or marriage therapy, I always stress the importance of a weekly date night! Think of all the focused time we put into other things- work, household chores, raising kids, etc. A weekly date night gives couples time to intentionally focus on their relationship and on each other. It provides time to reflect on your relationship, share new ideas or dreams, discuss upcoming changes, debrief about a recent fight, etc. Date night should be a time to interact together: face time, quality time. Sure going to a movie every now and then is fun and I fully support that too! But try date nights where you focus on each other and the relationship...where you get to talk to one another instead of stare at a screen. Staring at a screen together is fun, but it's shoulder time (doing something together but not interacting). Face time is actually looking at each other's faces and interacting, engaging with one another! Some fun (and cheap) ideas for a quality date night are a coffee shop, First Friday in Downtown Raleigh, and the North Carolina Museum of Art (it has a whole section you can visit for free!). The last 2 are free for the most part, so money doesn't have to be an excuse. Date nights don't have to break your budget! Work on setting aside time each week to spend getting to know your significant other more, improving and deepening your relationship. You'll certainly see the fruit of those efforts!

Influencing Each Other

When we are in relationship with another, be it a friendship, romantic relationship, or a marriage, we have the ability to impact and influence each other. If we have hope and belief in the relationship, the relationship will be changed. Our positive attitudes and hope in the relationship can and will impact the other and the relationship itself. On the flip side, if we lose hope or stop having a positive attitude, the other in the relationship will sense that and be impacted. Think about times in your friendships or relationship when you have felt truly positive and hopeful about the relationship; I'd venture to say you notice something positive and hopeful in the other person. In relationships that are or have been particularly strained, this hope may take some time to infuse to the other, but it will. Just give it time. Take time to do things that communicate hope and belief in the relationship. In individual counseling or couples counseling with clients, I often focus on the power each partner has to communicate positive things and enact change in their relationships. By infusing hope, belief, and love into the relationship on a regular basis, your relationship can improve. If you are consistent, you'll notice impact on the other and in the relationship. It may not happen immediately and we are the society of quick fixes, so don't give up. Given time, the relationship will be influenced by your hope! 

Extending Grace

Grace is typically defined in Christian circles as unmerited favor; it's something we do not earn but are given freely. The Lord extends His grace so freely to us and that is a model for how we are called to live in relationship with others. His grace transforms us. How powerful to know that whether or not we are "good enough", we are given abounding grace! Grace is a powerful gift to give another freely and has the power to transform.

Giving grace to others not only helps to transform the relationship we have with them, but is also something powerful that can potentially transform both people individually. In couples therapy or marriage counseling, I often encourages clients to extend extra measures of grace to one another and to themselves when beginning the process of change. With clients in individual counseling, I encourage them to give grace to themselves as they begin to learn more about themselves and change as well!

A great professor I had during my graduate program, Dr. Michael Sytsma wrote an article on grace. His ministry, Building Intimate Marriages has many great resources. He is also the co-founder of the ministry Sexual Wholeness which is another great resource for intimacy issues in relationships.

Another great article about grace that I highly recommend is written by a talented friend, counselor, writer and colleague of mine, Jennie Brown. Her post challenges me to really think deeply about how I can give grace to others and what that might really look like.



A Relationship Resource

Whether you are married or in a relationship, conflict happens! The following website has many resources to help increase personal awareness, interpersonal skills, conflict resolution skills, communication skills, and more. The authors of the site and many of the accompanying resources are Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley. They have written numerous articles and books on friendships, relationships and marriage. This is a very helpful site with a great resource section. I use many of their principles in my counseling with adults and couples. I encourage you to check out the Smalley Marriage website!

Relationships & Work

We all work at something, whether it's a job, caring for kids, upkeep on a home, etc. Work is something we are all familiar with. Yet when it comes to relationships and even friendships, many of us think it should just "work". No effort needed, no time I must put in; it should just happen. My challenge to you is to think about your job that way. Would that work? Likely not. We put in effort and time into our work, whatever that may be. It's time we start putting that same effort and time into our relationships. Can you imagine how great your marriage would be if you devoted 40 hours a week to it!? But just a few minutes a day can make a huge improvement in a relationship. Really sitting down with your full attention, no distractions, and talking to your significant other, your mate, or a friend, can mean so much to them and can help to improve or deepen the relationship. And you might even enjoy it too! Give it a try!

At the beginning of my counseling work with couples who are in relationships or married, I begin to assess their view of relationships and how that view is hindering or helping their relationship growth. I often share with them about this concept and encourage the couples to think in terms of working at their relationship. Often the couples find the work is doable and really impacts the relationship positively. After even a few sessions of therapy, couples find that their relationship is seeing positive signs of healing, growth and change, mostly due to the way their view of the relationship is changing and the amount of effort they have been throwing at the relationship! Your relationship can experience this positive impact too!

New Blog...

I'm not an avid writer so don't expect much. :) I plan to use this blog to post advice, tips and reflections from my work as a counselor with adolescents, adults, couples and families. Thank you for reading!