I remember sitting in graduate school in one of my first marriage counseling classes and the Professor handed out a survey. It asked us a series of questions about relationships and conflict. We passed our papers to a neighbor and scored them. It showed that I was off the charts on "mind reading" as a relational expectation. Turns out I wasn't the only one; the majority of my classmates scored just as high...
We always marry the wrong person. No matter what. Realizing this truth will set you free in your marriage. When we set out to find the perfect person to marry, our "soul-mate", we set sail for failure. We must remember that to begin with we are the wrong person. We are broken, messed up, sinful. Thus we will always be the wrong person for someone to marry as they will be for us...
Many of my teenage and adult clients experience depression. For some it's seasonal or situational. For others it's a lifelong battle with a mental illness that does not ever go away completely, even with proper medication and regular therapy. All of them work hard at managing their mood. Through counseling we find the coping skills that work best for them...
At one time or another we all experience a new beginning, typically at many times in our lives. Change is hard and yet new beginnings can often times be the open door for which we have been hoping. Life is change; it is inevitable. Yet new experiences, new opportunities, new friendships, or even a fresh chance on a familiar relationship can be a powerful occasion for growth and maturity...
The holidays are often difficult for many of us who have lost a loved one. Whether or not we lost our loved one around the holidays, this time of year can be very painful. Memories tend to come flooding back, usually uninvited. Oftentimes the people around us speak very little of the one we lost, perhaps "not to bring up anything that would make us upset", and maybe because they are uncomfortable with pain or sorrow themselves...
If you experience depression, it may feel like winter a majority of the time: cold, dreary, foggy, and very little sunshine! The season of winter also triggers a time of depression for many people. Whether due to the holiday season, the cold and dreary weather, or other factors, many people experience an increase in sadness and depression during winter months. Depression means feeling sad or down pervasively. Perhaps you feel helpless or hopeless...
We often don't want to feel pain. Instead, we want to do everything we can to avoid it. But in order to avoid pain we have to avoid deep relationships, avoid any relationship where we would give or receive deep love. We would have to avoid deep friendships, avoid marriage, maybe even avoid having children. Would this really achieve the goal though? Would we avoid pain altogether or would we just feel a different type of pain?
What could ANTS have to do with anxiety you ask?? Well...everything is the answer! ANTS are automatic negative thoughts and contribute greatly to anxiety and depression. ANTS are the thoughts you think that tell you "you're not good enough, you don't have what it takes, you'll never get what you want", etc. They are the inner critic inside us all...
Below is an excerpt from an excellent book by Larry Crabb linked here (though I think all his books are excellent)! It discusses our desire for happiness and how that tends to play out in marriage. Our society places such high value on happiness. American culture tells us that only when we are happy will we be fulfilled and living abundantly. Yet Scripture consistently tells us that it is actually obedience that leads to fulfillment and abundance...
We live in a quick fix society. You are hungry and you want food now? No problem, there are a billion fast food places that will serve you up a full "meal" in under 2 minutes! You need info and you need it now? Just pull out your smart phone connected to the World Wide Web and you'll have any info you need at the touch of a button, in seconds! You need something to wear and hate your current wardrobe? No problem, ...
There's plenty going on this weekend in Raleigh for those of you that are not on Spring Break or returning home from your break! It's First Friday tonight so there's always lots going on this night every month. Lots of art galleries to explore and new restaurants to try! I like to look at the Downtown Raleigh events calendar often to see what all is happening downtown. There's a Make It -Take It event at the NC Museum of History. There's a Family Science Fair at Marbles Kids Museum. There's always the Farmer's Market to peruse as well as many parks around the area to play at and explore! Get outside on what looks to be a beautiful weekend. Grab your spouse, family, friends or pet and get moving!
I work with many families and their teenage daughters in family counseling. One thing we spend some time discussing is home rules. Typically teens do not like rules, think they are too strict, stupid, or that they need more freedom. The parents feel they are not being unreasonable and truly want the best for their daughters...
Being thankful for what we have is so important to a healthy perspective on life. When we spend our time focusing on what we do not have, we can become bitter and negative. I see it in many of the teenage girls that I counsel as well as in many adults I work with in counseling. They are angry and sad because they do not have some particular thing or things in their lives. But they neglect to realize what they do have! When we focus our energy and thoughts on what we do have in our lives, we feel more grateful, hopeful and energized. This has all sorts of positive impact on our mental health. We tend to feel stress less, have less anxiety and less depression also. When we let negative thoughts rule our minds, we have more negative feelings in our lives. This often can stunt our healthy relationships and slow our progress towards achieving goals. Try making a list each day of at least 3 things you are thankful for; try this every day for one week and see what kind of impact it has on you! If you find it hard to begin listing things for which you are thankful, and find yourself more focused on the negative in your life, consider counseling. It can be such a beneficial step towards helping you feel less stress, anxiety and depression!
I work with many clients in counseling who have been through some very difficult situations. They often have a lot of shame and regret when they look back on the situations and experiences they have encountered. I encourage them to look back and find the triumphs; not everything was a failure. And depending on how we look at things, we can choose to see things in a different light. There are times in our lives that we were doing the best we could at the time; we can choose to give ourselves grace during those difficult seasons and see small triumphs rather than only seeing failures. This can reframe how we see our situations and ourselves and give us momentum to move forward. Seeing only failure often leaves us paralyzed and unable to grow, change or move forward. Sure, there are things in our lives we would have done differently and there's nothing wrong with thinking about ways we might handle things differently in the future and from learning from our pasts. But holding our actions against ourselves and shaming ourselves because of them doesn't do much good for us. Are there small triumphs you can see in your past rather than only focusing on the failures? Wouldn't it be helpful to learn from the things you could have done differently and give yourself grace rather than continuing to spin in the cycle of shame and regret? If you have trouble doing this, reaching out for counseling can be a rewarding experience!
Carving out time for yourself is an important piece of good mental health. Having something that rejuvenates you is important. It's different for everyone; some people need more time than others. Some people need this self care time to be alone; others may be able to do it with people around them, perhaps even doing the activity with them. But having something that pours back into you is important to living a healthy lifestyle. Perhaps it's exercise, reading, journaling, a hobby or playing music. Whatever it is, prioritize some time each week, or a little each day to help you stay energized and refreshed. When our day to day life is consumed with giving, whether to work or family or other things, we are easily drained. This can lead to elevated levels of stress, anxiety or depression. Spending some time in self care can help bring these levels back to a healthier place. Other ways to keep yourself in a healthy place are referenced in other blog posts here, here, here, here, here, here and here. So if self care isn't already a regular practice for you, try something today; start small and see how it impacts you! If you find that self care and other elements of a healthy lifestyle are not helping to decrease your stress, anxiety or depression, consider counseling!
I see so many clients who have waited so long to start dealing with their heart wounds or relational conflicts. By the time they come to counseling patterns are deeply ingrained, relationships are on the verge of tearing apart, and hearts are badly broken. We wait to get help for so many reasons. Perhaps it's because we are ashamed to need help or scared of reaching out. Maybe we wait because we don't know if therapy will help or if it'll make things worse. Whatever the case, I encourage you to go ahead and reach out now. Waiting will most likely not make things any better. There is no shame in reaching out for help. When we are sick, we see a doctor. When our heart or relationship is broken, we see a therapist. Read about therapy, do some research; you'll find it's not as daunting as you might think! Call or email around to various therapists; find one that seems to fit your personality or values. Set up a few initial meetings after you've narrowed down your selection of counselors. Choose wisely! Counseling is a great thing. Don't wait!
Oftentimes we realize or others point out to us, that we are not making healthy choices for ourselves. Perhaps it's in nutrition, exercise, daily routine, job, or relationships that we are making poor choices. But at some point we realize we are not doing good things for ourselves. I work with many clients in counseling to identify what those choices are and the underlying factors driving them towards those unhealthy choices...
I work with many older teen girls and their families; many of the young adults I work with are college students. Navigating independence is difficult for families; it's difficult on the teen as well as the parents. Developmentally teens need to be gaining increased independence and responsibility. They need to be learning ways to manage their new liberties. Parents are learning how much freedom to hand over and how to ensure healthy accountability. This can lead to a power struggle, to a tug of war between teen and parents. Arguing often ensues and relationships get wounded in the fight. Many families end up getting quite torn apart during this lifestage. But it doesn't have to be such a difficult time. Family counseling can be a great way to help open a healthy dialogue about the desired independence and the necessary accountability. Compromises can be reached and healthy communication can be the open door to those compromises. Accountability is necessary for the new responsibilities teens are facing, yet it's important to establish trust in your teen so they feel they are capable of exercising their new liberties. This is a crucial time developmentally for teens; they way they learn to manage independence can set them up really well or really poorly for their futures and parents play a crucial role in that process. By parents consistently offering encouragement and healthy boundaries, teens can successfully navigate to a healthy independent place!
I meet with a lot of clients going through various life transitions: new jobs or relationships, ending relationships, changing lifestages, etc. It's difficult to be in a place of transition and change. We don't typically do well with that in-between place as a society. We want things now and we want them easily. When that doesn't happen, we often get frustrated with ourselves and/or our circumstances. That can lead to stress, anxiety or depression. What we need more of is patience and persistence. We need patience with ourselves as we learn to adapt to new changes and transitions in our lives. We need the persistence to keep learning, keep adapting, allowing ourselves to stay in the process as things unfold. Our technology-driven culture has produced within us such a fast-paced sense of demand and the bulk of life's changes don't respond well to that. Real, big change happens slowly and is an ever-unfolding process. If our spouse has just left us, we don't just pick up the next day and move on. If we've just had a new baby and are now back at work, we may not adjust to the new changes as quick as we are expecting ourselves. But if we give ourselves grace and patience, we'll find that we'll adjust much better. We will adapt and can do that with success. And if we can add to those the persistence to keep moving forward even when things aren't happening as fast as we'd like, I think we'd see positive change and healthy adjustment unfold. If there's a change or transition going on in your life that you are having difficulty managing and maneuvering, consider counseling as a way to help you process and walk the journey.
This is a busy time of year! There is the rushing around shopping for all the perfect gifts, the Christmas parties, wrapping all those presents, decorating the house, all while trying to balance work and family. This can easily lead to forgetting what the season is really about. For me this season is about celebrating when the Lord sent His son in human form to the earth to redeem us, to make a way for us to be in intimate relationship with our Heavenly Father! But it can be easy to forget that with all the input we receive about holiday shopping! Perhaps this year you and your family can find new ways to focus on the deeper meaning of Christmas. Perhaps you can give gifts that give back such as gifts from Ten Thousand Villages in Cameron Village. Maybe you and your family can put together an Operation Christmas Child shoe box for a child in another country. Maybe your church partners with organizations that help needy families have gifts for their kids on Christmas. Or perhaps you and your family can do something together that helps others - maybe volunteer at a soup kitchen or visit the elderly at a retirement home. These are neat ways to keep our mind focused on others and on Christ this Christmas. I'm sure you can think of other ways too! Brainstorm with your family and come up with a special tradition!
