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Relationships

More Raleigh Date Night Ideas

Trying new places to eat can be fun and exciting and help keep the relationship fresh and growing! And it's a great part of a fun date night. We all have a tendency to get stuck in a rut and go to the same places time after time. Now I'm a big fan of having a few favorite places to go back to, but I have seen the benefit in clients I work with in couples counseling or marriage counseling in trying new things. My husband has pushed me to try new foods and that has definitely opened up good conversation and a few new food likes for this picky eater! A new place that just recently opened in downtown Raleigh is Beasley's Chicken and Honey. This place has a fantastic set up! While I haven't yet sampled the food, I have talked to many who have and tell me it is great! I sat beside two guys who had just devoured some chicken and told me it was delicious! I must say, I was wishing I had a piece of that chicken to taste, but we'd arrived too late and the kitchen had closed. They have great looking sides and the dessert menu looked scrumptious! Date night can be a time to push yourselves out of your comfort zones - taste buds and emotions can be challenged! While fried chicken isn't new to many of us southerners, still, a new restaurant is fun to try. And while you're there, push yourselves to talk about more than just the usual "how was your day" or business-of-life items (work, kids, finances, honey-do lists, etc). Talk about your relationship - the good stuff and the difficult. Reminisce on fun memories the two of you share. Discuss things you'd like to learn about - new hobbies or interests. Dream about your future together - places you want to see, things you'd like to accomplish together. Date nights like these can really help strengthen your relationship and build a strong foundation in your marriage. As I've mentioned before in another blog post, you can always come to the date prepared with fun questions or conversation topics to talk about; there doesn't have to be pressure to come up with things to talk about on the spot! There are great question books out there to help break up the monotony of conversation and get you connecting at a deeper level! That will help if coming up with ideas to talk about or questions to ask gives you a knot in your stomach! So Raleigh, try new restaurants and deepen your relationship all at the same time! Yumm! I know I'm excited about a Beasley's date night!

Living a Love Story

A dear friend of mine led me to this blog by Donald Miller. I've read many of his books but haven't followed his blog. This post stopped me in my tracks and was inspiring. He talks about how to live a great love story (and while this one is for the girls, he posts here for the boys). I see many young girls - teenagers and young adults - in counseling and we always come around to the topic of boys eventually. I hear from them (and experienced in my own life) the pressure from society to be alluring, perfect and easy sexually. But for those of us who live our lives according to God's Word, Scripture tells us something completely different. We are told not to conform to what the world says, but to be transformed by the Word so we can know what God's will is for us (Romans 12:2). We are told that marriage is sacred and the marriage bed (intimacy, sex) is to be protected (Hebrews 13:4). We are called to live a life counter-cultural. Society says "have fun", "do what feels good", "give yourself away freely in order to get anything in return". But this only leads to damaged hearts, low self esteem and broken relationships. If we live as Scripture teaches, we are truly living a great love story and set ourselves up for an incredible love story of our own. I encourage you to take some time and read Donald's blog referenced above. If you're looking for more reading about premarital sex and what Scripture says, take a look at this article.

Fun Raleigh Outing / Date Night

Here's a fun outing whether you are looking for a new date night idea or just looking for something fun and different to do in Raleigh with friends! Groupon offers great coupons for local activities and restaurants. Recently I bought the Chubby's Tacos groupon so we could head out for some great tacos and get them at half price! Yumm, I love that place! A great outing or Raleigh date night idea is to head to a local restaurant with your groupon in hand or just head over to Chubby's Tacos if you haven't tried them yet! Enjoy a leisurely dinner and some fun conversation. If conversation doesn't come easy or you are tired of the same old topics, try spicing it up with some get to know you questions like these! It's fun to learn new things about your friend or significant other and I guarantee it'll lead to some laughs! Leave dinner and head to a local bookstore. Browse the travel section and plan a dream trip; look at pictures, maps, read about the culture...and then plan a trip that is realistic in the next year! Go to other sections of the store and try to find books you think your friend or significant other would like to read; show it to them and see how well you know them! You don't even have to buy any books, just enjoy spending time together in a new environment. If you're looking for a sweet treat after you've absorbed enough books, head to LocoPops near NC State! These are great frozen pops and you are supporting a local Raleigh business! You can wander around Hillsborough Street with your pop in hand and enjoy the rest of your evening. Date nights or nights out with friends don't have to be expensive, just doing something out of the norm will help deepen the relationship or friendship!! I encourage clients I'm seeing in counseling to be intentional with their friendships and relationships. This not only helps the relationship to improve but often has a positive impact on mood as well.

Grieving with Hope

In my counseling work I see many clients struggling with grief. They struggle often because of the unhelpful ideas they have or others have given them about grief; our society impacts these unhelpful ideas as well. We hear ideas like "Grieving should be over after the one year anniversary of the lost loved one.", "Once you have dealt with your grief, it shouldn't come up again.", "After a year, you shouldn't get upset about losing your loved one anymore.". There are many other myths about grieving that are unhelpful to those who are bereaved. However, the truth is that grief is a normal reaction to loss and death, each person's experience of grief is unique, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Every loss is different and the grieving process is influenced by a multitude of issues. Grief never ends; we will always miss our loved one who has died and the pain of grief will always be around in some manner at times. Death may end a life, but it doesn't end a relationship. We can learn how to maintain a relationship with the loved one we have lost; though their physical body is no longer present with us, the love and connection that we share remains. For those who claim Christ and believe in His salvation for eternal life, we have a strong hope to cling to in our grief (1 Thessalonians 4:13). We do not have to grieve without hope, for we know what waits past death: eternity! Yes we will grieve and be saddened by our loss; this was someone we loved deeply and miss dearly. But we can grieve in light of the hope that we have and that puts our pain in a different perspective. There are days where the hope is hard to cling to and that is normal. However, if we will remind ourselves of Truth, we can experience joy even in our pain. If grieving with hope is difficult to do and the hope seems difficult to attain, consider Christian Counseling for the grief you are experiencing. It can be a powerful healing experience for you in your loss and pain.

Another Raleigh Date Night Idea

We all know the classic date night: dinner and a movie. Here's a fun extended version of that classic idea if you are looking to make a full night of it enjoying downtown Raleigh. A great Raleigh theater is the Rialto. Nestled in downtown Raleigh, it offers a quaint location and great shows! Head downtown early in the evening and park in the 5 Points area. I love this area of town and could spend hours just wandering around the streets looking at houses and enjoying the great food!  While it's still light out, wander around the gorgeous historic homes off Glenwood Avenue. Head to Lilly's Pizza for a quality pie and then hit up the show at the Rialto. If you are looking for a tasty treat before the show, try Fresh at Five Points. My husband and I recently tried this sweet little ice cream and frozen yogurt shop and loved it! After the show head over to Third Place Coffee House and debrief about the movie; make time to intentionally talk together about not only the movie but also your relationship. What did you like about the movie? What did you dislike? What part was happiest, saddest, funniest, etc? What did it make you think about as it relates to your life? Any way the movie applies to your relationship? Then spend some time talking about your relationship specifically. How have you been feeling about the relationship lately? Share anything you could personally work to improve upon in the relationship. What is one way your significant other really made you feel special over the past week? What is one way your relationship has grown/improved over the past month/week? I encourage couples that I am seeing in marriage counseling or couples counseling to spend time doing these intentional talk times each week. Date night can really infuse love and positive energy into stagnant relationships. And for relationships that are going well, it helps keep things moving forward in an intimate and healthy direction!

Taking advantage of Raleigh

I try to blog frequently about things to do in Raleigh for many reasons. 1.Raleigh is a great place to live and there is so much to do, see and experience here. 2.People often complain that there's nothing to do in the place they live; I like to ensure people living in or around Raleigh cannot complain about that because there is so much to do here! 3.It's really important to be involved in our communities, to know what is going on and how to be able to access that. What we see and experience has the opportunity to impact us, to help us to grow, to see new things and mature as people. It also helps our relationships and friendships to grow when we experience fun things or new things together; we get to learn and grow together. Taking advantage of your community and what it has to offer is just one way to do this. Each week The Independent Weekly newspaper is printed and you can find it all around the Triangle area. It's a local newspaper that offers information about Triangle area food, music, film, art and entertainment. You can learn a lot about what is going on in Raleigh, Durham and Chapel Hill (as well as other little areas in the Triangle too). Each year they do a survey and readers get the chance to vote on various categories: Wine & Dine, Music & Clubs, Out & About, Goods, Services, and Media. Then they release a big "Best of" list that has the winners and finalists. The June 8 edition will have the Best of 2011. I encourage you to pick one up and see who won Best of 2011 in the Triangle. My husband and I use the best of list to plan our date nights; that way we don't end up at the same place each date and we can add a little variety into our dates. It helps us to try new things, learn new things about ourselves and each other and experience new things together which helps our relationship to grow. I hope you'll pick up the Independent's June 8 Best of the Triangle edition and start taking advantage of all the great things to see and do (and eat) in Raleigh! If you miss the printed version, they typically post it online. Here are the Best of 2010 winners! Start taking advantage of all Raleigh and the Triangle has to offer!

Get outside Raleigh!

Depression and stress can leave you wanting to stay inside, crawl in a hole and isolate. You may not "feel" like you want to do anything, but you can choose to do different. And often by choosing the opposite of what you are feeling, you'll begin to feel better. Depression says to you, "stay inside, don't do anything fun, nothing will help, it's hopeless." Stress says, "there's too much, it's all too overwhelming, nothing will help." And thus discouragement sets in. I encourage my clients seeking counseling to get outside; get some good Vitamin D (but wear sunscreen)! :) Choose to be active. Don't let your feelings decide what you will or will not do. Do something new, something fun; get around people. Take some friends, a family member or your significant other and do something outside. This weekend in downtown Raleigh's Moore Square and City Plaza is a great event called Artsplosure. There is art, crafts, music and fun stuff for kids too! Try something new, tap into some creative energy seeing all the fun art and crafts. I hope you'll get outside this weekend Raleigh!

Raleigh Date Night Idea

Here's a local date night idea for couples or just a fun idea of something to do in the Raleigh area for anyone interested.

Movies by Moonlight at Koka Booth Amphiheatre in Cary; these aren't too expensive at all and who doesn't love the idea of sitting outside and watching a movie! Fun idea for a night out in the Raleigh area!

The Success of Persevering

Perseverance is defined as "to persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement" (courtesy of TheFreeDictionary.) Our fast paced society gives us every thing we need at the touch of a finger (thanks Apple) and that has damaged the perseverance of our culture. We no longer need to wait for things, work at things; we just click a button and there is what we need on a screen. The things that clients present to counseling to work on often need consistent and persistent work and most often clients are not willing to give that...at least not for long. Recently there was a huge success in one of the couples I counsel and all the credit goes to them and their perseverance!! They worked in counseling for several years and had been persisting at their goal. They achieved it and are thrilled! Their marriage will be truly blessed by their perseverance, not just in reaching this particular goal, but because of the character and devotion that was developed in their marriage. Not to say they didn't reach moments or weeks of discouragement or obstacles, because they most certainly did. But the difference with this couple is that they persevered and truly it made all the difference. I am so excited for their success but more thrilled for the foundation they have strengthened in their marriage by showing each other and themselves that they are willing and able to persevere through obstacles and discouragement to accomplish the goals of their marriage. Perseverance is a much needed quality; if we'll work to develop this in ourselves, we'll find our goals achieved...just not perhaps in our instant gratification time frame, but in a time frame that develops our character and deepens the intimacy in our relationships. 

Persistence & Sacrifice

Relationships are tough. Marriage can be more difficult than we ever imagined. In a great deal of my counseling work, I counsel worn out wives. They are trying their hardest to save and improve their marriages and I admire them so! Their persistence and sacrifice is more than admirable; it's inspiring! They get up each day and do their best to love their husbands even when they don't get emotional, mental, physical or spiritual love in return. They love anyways. Why? Because that is what love does. Love is not merely a feeling we feel and respond to; love calls us to action. And these women have entered into a covenant with their husbands. They've said that their marriages are different than the mere contracts that our society views marriage to be. These women have chosen to see their marriages Biblically; something that is broken by death, not unhappiness or inconvenience. They choose daily, sometimes 50 times per day, to love their husbands and choose their marriages over mere happiness. It's my honor to walk beside them as a Christian counselor and continue to encourage them towards their marriages and more importantly towards the Lord. They have persisted and sacrificed. They are a challenge to me in my own marriage to persist and sacrifice.

Always In Process

Relationships include pain; they aren't always movie-like. There is conflict, hurt, wounds and pain. There's also joy and love and blissful times too. When I'm working in counseling with individuals or couples, one partner is often on the verge of leaving. They are done with the work, done with the pain of the relationship. They are tired and wounded. I encourage them towards a bigger view of relationship. A song by The Civil Wars called "Poison and Wine" talks about the beauty and the pain of relationship. Sadly, I recently missed seeing them at The Pour House in Downtown Raleigh, but I'm hopeful they'll come back to Raleigh soon! One member of the group, Joy Williams talks about the heart behind their song. She says, "The longer you know someone - and the longer you allow someone to know you - the more the light and shadows inside each person become more vivid. This song was our attempt at being brutally honest about the dangerous and beautiful process of knowing and being known." If we choose to see the grander picture of our marriages, our relationships, then we can enjoy the "dangerous and beautiful process of knowing and being known." It can be so exciting, so reassuring to know that someone knows you that well and "always will". But all too often, one partner gets too weary of the journey and decides to end the relationship. That leaves the world with yet another divorce, more pain, and more wounded people. I encourage you to seek marriage therapy, couples counseling or individual therapy if you are getting to the place where you think of leaving more often than staying with relationship. Each of our relationships are in process and they have the capacity to turn us into deeper people if we'll see the bigger, grander view of relationship and keep walking forward.

The Importance of Date Night

When working with couples in couples counseling or marriage therapy, I always stress the importance of a weekly date night! Think of all the focused time we put into other things- work, household chores, raising kids, etc. A weekly date night gives couples time to intentionally focus on their relationship and on each other. It provides time to reflect on your relationship, share new ideas or dreams, discuss upcoming changes, debrief about a recent fight, etc. Date night should be a time to interact together: face time, quality time. Sure going to a movie every now and then is fun and I fully support that too! But try date nights where you focus on each other and the relationship...where you get to talk to one another instead of stare at a screen. Staring at a screen together is fun, but it's shoulder time (doing something together but not interacting). Face time is actually looking at each other's faces and interacting, engaging with one another! Some fun (and cheap) ideas for a quality date night are a coffee shop, First Friday in Downtown Raleigh, and the North Carolina Museum of Art (it has a whole section you can visit for free!). The last 2 are free for the most part, so money doesn't have to be an excuse. Date nights don't have to break your budget! Work on setting aside time each week to spend getting to know your significant other more, improving and deepening your relationship. You'll certainly see the fruit of those efforts!

Influencing Each Other

When we are in relationship with another, be it a friendship, romantic relationship, or a marriage, we have the ability to impact and influence each other. If we have hope and belief in the relationship, the relationship will be changed. Our positive attitudes and hope in the relationship can and will impact the other and the relationship itself. On the flip side, if we lose hope or stop having a positive attitude, the other in the relationship will sense that and be impacted. Think about times in your friendships or relationship when you have felt truly positive and hopeful about the relationship; I'd venture to say you notice something positive and hopeful in the other person. In relationships that are or have been particularly strained, this hope may take some time to infuse to the other, but it will. Just give it time. Take time to do things that communicate hope and belief in the relationship. In individual counseling or couples counseling with clients, I often focus on the power each partner has to communicate positive things and enact change in their relationships. By infusing hope, belief, and love into the relationship on a regular basis, your relationship can improve. If you are consistent, you'll notice impact on the other and in the relationship. It may not happen immediately and we are the society of quick fixes, so don't give up. Given time, the relationship will be influenced by your hope! 

Extending Grace

Grace is typically defined in Christian circles as unmerited favor; it's something we do not earn but are given freely. The Lord extends His grace so freely to us and that is a model for how we are called to live in relationship with others. His grace transforms us. How powerful to know that whether or not we are "good enough", we are given abounding grace! Grace is a powerful gift to give another freely and has the power to transform.

Giving grace to others not only helps to transform the relationship we have with them, but is also something powerful that can potentially transform both people individually. In couples therapy or marriage counseling, I often encourages clients to extend extra measures of grace to one another and to themselves when beginning the process of change. With clients in individual counseling, I encourage them to give grace to themselves as they begin to learn more about themselves and change as well!

A great professor I had during my graduate program, Dr. Michael Sytsma wrote an article on grace. His ministry, Building Intimate Marriages has many great resources. He is also the co-founder of the ministry Sexual Wholeness which is another great resource for intimacy issues in relationships.

Another great article about grace that I highly recommend is written by a talented friend, counselor, writer and colleague of mine, Jennie Brown. Her post challenges me to really think deeply about how I can give grace to others and what that might really look like.



Relationships & Work

We all work at something, whether it's a job, caring for kids, upkeep on a home, etc. Work is something we are all familiar with. Yet when it comes to relationships and even friendships, many of us think it should just "work". No effort needed, no time I must put in; it should just happen. My challenge to you is to think about your job that way. Would that work? Likely not. We put in effort and time into our work, whatever that may be. It's time we start putting that same effort and time into our relationships. Can you imagine how great your marriage would be if you devoted 40 hours a week to it!? But just a few minutes a day can make a huge improvement in a relationship. Really sitting down with your full attention, no distractions, and talking to your significant other, your mate, or a friend, can mean so much to them and can help to improve or deepen the relationship. And you might even enjoy it too! Give it a try!

At the beginning of my counseling work with couples who are in relationships or married, I begin to assess their view of relationships and how that view is hindering or helping their relationship growth. I often share with them about this concept and encourage the couples to think in terms of working at their relationship. Often the couples find the work is doable and really impacts the relationship positively. After even a few sessions of therapy, couples find that their relationship is seeing positive signs of healing, growth and change, mostly due to the way their view of the relationship is changing and the amount of effort they have been throwing at the relationship! Your relationship can experience this positive impact too!