Easy to Forget

Sometimes with all the hustle and bustle at this time of year, it can be easy to forget what this season is really all about. We get "wrapped" up with so much else going on: shopping, trying to find all the right gifts, decorating, Christmas party-ing, cooking, traveling, and don't forget all the wrapping, etc. So much is out there to distract us, from the sales to the new tech-y toys. I found myself getting wrapped up with my Christmas shopping list and then stopped and realized how much I was in the rush of the season. I'd forgotten to acknowledge the whole meaning behind it during my shopping fury. In the Church calendar, Advent falls before Christmas. It's a time to prepare, anticipate, and get ready for the birth of Jesus. When I was a kid we had chocolate Advent calendars. Each day we'd open a little door, read a Scripture from the Bible about the coming of Christ or prophesies about His coming, and then my sister and I would get to split a piece of chocolate in half and eat! We loved those calendars. I think likely at the time we looked much more forward to eating the chocolate than the birth of Christ. But I think it still taught us about the season of Advent, about being excited about something, anticipating someONE. This time of year has such excitement associated with it. We have Christmas carols whose lyrics get us excited about the season and there are radio stations devoted to only playing said Christmas carols 247 so we can really get excited. There are Christmas tree lots everywhere, the stores and malls are all decorated for Christmas. Why even last year in Raleigh we got snow for Christmas and had a real "white Christmas". It's fun to be excited and enjoy the season, but it's so easy to forget Who is at the center. Have you gotten too hurried this season? Is your focus on gifts and Santa and the things of Christmas rather than the Who of Christmas? When I see couples or families for counseling we spend time talking about their family traditions, their rituals. Traditions and rituals bond families together in unique ways. I talk a little about this concept in a blog post here and here, if you'd like to read more. What traditions does your family have this time of year? Are there any you might want to add?

Winter Raleigh Family Fun - Great Date Idea!

So much to do in Raleigh this time of year. Winterfest downtown is one of those things! There is ice skating and other fun things to explore and experience. Bundle up and head downtown to City Plaza. This would be a great outing for families to do together. It would also be a great date idea. At just $8.00 per person, it's not too expensive either! Ice skating can be a fun activity and perhaps quite humorous even! Make a day of it or an evening of it. Wander around downtown and try some of the great local restaurants. You might find a few great shops to do some Christmas shopping as well! Stitch is a really great store with fun things to buy! Take advantage of your area Raleigh. There's so much to discover. Spend time playing together as a family or as a couple. Then spend some time reflecting on your relationships. I encourage couples and families I'm seeing for counseling to spend time both in "shoulder" time (doing the same things together) and "face" time (intentional conversations about your relationships). These combined help relationships grow and maintain their closeness. What fun holiday traditions do you have? Are there ones you want to implement? What are your favorite holiday memories? If holidays are a difficult time of year for you, share that with each other too. Be intentional about your family outings and your date nights. Intend to grow your relationships, nurture them and watch how spending time together draws you closer together. Have fun this Winter Raleigh!

Fun Raleigh Idea

This is a great time of year in Raleigh and there is so much going on in our area! One fun thing to get into this weekend is the Boylan Heights Art Walk on Sunday afternoon. Check out the website for a map and some sneak peaks of what art will be featured. This is a great experience (and great day-date idea!) for friends, families and couples! There will be lots to see (even if you don't want to buy anything) and it's a gorgeous neighborhood to explore. It looks like it's going to be a goodweekend weather-wise, so get outside. Move about! Do something fun in Raleigh. The Boylan Heights Art Walk is just one of many fun ideas!

It's that Date Night time again!

I place a lot of emphasis on date night when I'm counseling couples. Date night keeps the relationship growing and develops increased connection and intimacy. If we aren't intentional in our in our marriages, then the foundation of our relationship can slowly but surely erode. We have to be intentional: intentional about loving our spouse actively, intentional about continuing to invest in and get to know our spouse (yes, even after being married for 10+ years), intentional about sharing new experiences together. These are key ingredients to a solid marriage and they don't just happen automatically. They happen when couples intentionally set aside time and put effort into loving each other in these ways. One of our favorite Raleigh date nights includes David's Dumpling and Noodle Bar and Cup A Joe. I absolutely love David's, great food and a great atmosphere! My husband loves the quirky atmosphere at Cup A Joe and raves about their hot chocolate! I encourage couples to try new things and to go new places. But there's also nothing wrong with having a few favorites! Tradition and rituals are also important to a marriage. They add to the marital foundation as well. This date night is one of our traditions. What are yours?

Chasing Happiness

I hear so much in daily life (TV, movies, commercials, magazines, blogs, radio, etc) about "being happy". "I just want him/her to be happy." "If I just had (insert object, relationship, career), then I'd be happy." Chasing happiness has become something so central to our American society. I hear it all the time in my counseling office from various clients; teens, couples, families, men, women...they all claim if they could just figure this or that out, have this or that, or get rid of this or that, then they'd be happy. "Really?", I want to say. Really do you think you'd truly be happy then? Do you really think that getting him/her/it will make you happy? Of course, I tend to say those things with a bit more therapeutic tact than that. But my message is the same: do you think that getting what you want will make you happy? If happiness is your goal, will you ever truly find it and be able to maintain that state of happiness? I think not. Getting that relationship, career, object, or getting rid of either of those will not make someone happy. The way I see it, the problem is in the goal. If the goal is happiness found in the hands of other people or things, it will never last. People will disappoint us, there will always be some new object out there we just have to have, jobs are lost and interests shift. When happiness is our driving motivator, we'll always get let down. We'll always be chasing one thing or another or one person or another. As a Christian, happiness is not my goal. My goal is to know and love the Lord, to know and love others. If anything else is my goal, I'll be unfulfilled. If being happy is my goal then I'll be let down constantly. As believers in Jesus, we weren't promised happiness nor were we told that happiness should be what we incessantly strive after. We were actually told the opposite...Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) Wewill have trouble, things won't go our way, we will be let down, disappointed, suffer, hurt, etc. Those disappointments, hurts, sufferings can lead us to intimacy with Jesus and closeness with others. And in those things, there is great joy. Joy is deeper and much more lasting than happiness. Happiness tends to be based on situations and is fleeting. Joy is something that cannot be taken away by loss or change in situation. If you find yourself chasing happiness and ending up sad and disappointed more often than not, I'd encourage you to reassess your goal. Chasing happiness doesn't lead down any lasting path. Counseling can help you do that if you desire!

A (Cheap) Raleigh Date Night Idea

It's a great time of year, great to be outside and enjoying this Fall weather! This time of year, I'm a huge fan of outdoor dates. I encourage the couples and families I see for counseling to get outside, enjoy the weather and each other! This Friday is First Friday and there are lots of great things to see and do in Downtown Raleigh. (The website linked to "Downtown Raleigh" has a great calendar of events and you can find out what is going on downtown on any given day!) First Friday doesn't have to cost you a thing either; you can wander around the galleries for free! You could start your date in Cameron Village at one of the many delicious restaurants this great area has to offer. If you like, wander around the shops or grab something sweet. Then mosey on further downtown and start seeing what the galleries have to showcase this month. You can ride the free R-Line around town so you don't have to worry about parking more than once! Also if you are unfamiliar with Downtown Raleigh, the R-Line is a great, free way to see the city! :) This kind of date is a great way to see new things, spark new conversation and have a great experience together. Dates like that help to deepen your relationship and break the monotony of dinner and a movie or a night at home. Walk and talk together; discuss what you think about the art you see! Aim to really know what your significant other or your family member thinks about what you are experiencing together. Get to know each other deeper. Have a fun fall Friday date Raleigh! 

He's not a Mind Reader

Despite what you think, your significant other is not a mind reader. I admit that when I was in graduate school sitting in one of my Marriage and Family Therapy classes and heard my professor utter this statement, I was crushed! Then my professor had us take a test to see how strongly we believed our significant others or future spouses should be able to read our minds, to know what we wanted and needed without us telling them. Needless to say I scored off the chart; it impacted me so much I can remember where exactly I was sitting when I learned this truth! I fully believed that my future husband should be able to read my mind! I thought he should know what I wanted and desired and how to give that to me; it seemed easy enough for me. Oh how that belief has been changed after walking through my graduate program (thanks Dr. Coyle and Richmont Graduate University!) and after being married (thanks Ryan!). I was having a beautiful conversation with a friend the other night and this topic came up again. I'm beginning to think it's pretty common! Countless couples and I have this conversation during couples counseling sessions."He's not a mind reader" I say, he can't know what you need, want or desire unless you tell him- and really spell it out for him. Wives wonder how this can be love; how is it love when I have to tell them what to do, they say. It's love because he acts on what you have told him. He can't read your mind but he can follow through and love you with what you have shared with him. Tell him exactly how he can give you what you desire, need, want. I'm using him primarily because I see this mind-reading expectation mostly in women. But alas, I'm not ruling you men out - you may just as well do it too--if so replace all the "him's" with "her's". I have to remind myself of this truth quite often and have to remember to tell my husband specifically what I need and make sure he understands what I'm desiring. I walk with couples as they learn to ask each other specifically for what they want and need and then I have the privilege of watching them thrive when they receive that as love from each other. Try it out, ask your spouse for what you need, tell him how he can give this to you. Then choose to receive it as love when he does the very thing you've shared with him!

Raleigh Art in the Park

There are so many great things to do in the Raleigh area! As you can tell, I really like sharing the fun things I find to do in Raleigh with you. I think utilizing all your community has is one great way to stay grounded and healthy! As a counselor I'm always discussing with my clients the benefits of being connected in your community and accessing what your community has to offer. I also encourage the clients I see in counseling who are experiencing depression or stress to get outside and exercise. The fresh air and movement really help to decrease depression and stress. The NC Museum of Art has a great outdoor exhibit that you can visit. You can stroll through the museum's "Art in the Park" leisurely alone or with a friend. You can also kick it up a notch and exercise while you take in the art if you'd like! I have done both and loved the experiences. The art provides some great conversation starters with friends or significant others. My niece and nephew really enjoyed the exhibits too, so this can be a great family outing as well! I have seen families bring bikes, picnics and balls to play and enjoy the park and the art! This fall take some time to get outside and enjoy what your Raleigh community has to offer!

Fun Family Outing

There are so many great things to do in the Raleigh area for families. Something fun I have done with my family is to boat around on Lake Johnson. Lake Johnson is a fun area to romp around, explore, walk or boat! You can feed ducks or get chased by geese! Doing something fun and different is a great way to invest in your family, show your kids you care and want to invest in them, and just all out have fun together. Whether I'm working with teenagers and their families in family counseling or working with couples and talking about the importance of family, family outings get brought up. Family outings really help to build connection and deepen relationship. Memories are created and a strong family foundation is fostered. There is great benefit to initiating something fun for your family to do. Before the weather gets cold, I encourage you to get outside and do something fun as a family.

Made for Relationship

We were created for relationship. From birth we are in instant relationship with at least one other - the mother who birthed us. Situations change those early relationships: death, divorce, adoption, remarriage, sickness, distance, etc. But still, life has started out in relationship with another. Relationships continue throughout our lives even if we don't participate deeply in them- family, friends, significant others and the list goes on. Just because we were born into relationship though doesn't mean they are easy. Real relationship, deep relationship is difficult and time consuming; it doesn't "just happen" and then they don't just stay that way automatically. Relationships are work, work oftentimes we don't want to do because it requires time and honesty, which can be hard. The difficult stuff is worth it though, because to really be known intimately, and then loved all the more, is an incredible experience. I see many clients who often experience relational difficulty. It's not an uncommon problem. Relationships are tough; we all struggle with them in some form or fashion. And healing in relationships isn't easy, but it is possible! Past wounds do increase the difficulty we have in relationship. Trust can be difficult for those who have experienced betrayal or loss and vulnerability can be a challenge if we've been abused or wounded, but deep relationship is possible. Trust in relationship is achievable. Intimate vulnerability is something you can share with another. These things though take time, work and healing from past wounds. Often, clients I see feel healing isn't possible; they think deep relationship is not an option for them. But ah, how wrong they are! Trust, intimacy and vulnerability are possible for us all - it just takes time, work, healing and perseverance. If you struggle in relationships, consider counseling as an option to uncover where you struggle and how to overcome those struggles to experience deep relationship.

More Raleigh Date Night Ideas

Trying new places to eat can be fun and exciting and help keep the relationship fresh and growing! And it's a great part of a fun date night. We all have a tendency to get stuck in a rut and go to the same places time after time. Now I'm a big fan of having a few favorite places to go back to, but I have seen the benefit in clients I work with in couples counseling or marriage counseling in trying new things. My husband has pushed me to try new foods and that has definitely opened up good conversation and a few new food likes for this picky eater! A new place that just recently opened in downtown Raleigh is Beasley's Chicken and Honey. This place has a fantastic set up! While I haven't yet sampled the food, I have talked to many who have and tell me it is great! I sat beside two guys who had just devoured some chicken and told me it was delicious! I must say, I was wishing I had a piece of that chicken to taste, but we'd arrived too late and the kitchen had closed. They have great looking sides and the dessert menu looked scrumptious! Date night can be a time to push yourselves out of your comfort zones - taste buds and emotions can be challenged! While fried chicken isn't new to many of us southerners, still, a new restaurant is fun to try. And while you're there, push yourselves to talk about more than just the usual "how was your day" or business-of-life items (work, kids, finances, honey-do lists, etc). Talk about your relationship - the good stuff and the difficult. Reminisce on fun memories the two of you share. Discuss things you'd like to learn about - new hobbies or interests. Dream about your future together - places you want to see, things you'd like to accomplish together. Date nights like these can really help strengthen your relationship and build a strong foundation in your marriage. As I've mentioned before in another blog post, you can always come to the date prepared with fun questions or conversation topics to talk about; there doesn't have to be pressure to come up with things to talk about on the spot! There are great question books out there to help break up the monotony of conversation and get you connecting at a deeper level! That will help if coming up with ideas to talk about or questions to ask gives you a knot in your stomach! So Raleigh, try new restaurants and deepen your relationship all at the same time! Yumm! I know I'm excited about a Beasley's date night!

Fun Raleigh Outing / Date Night

Here's a fun outing whether you are looking for a new date night idea or just looking for something fun and different to do in Raleigh with friends! Groupon offers great coupons for local activities and restaurants. Recently I bought the Chubby's Tacos groupon so we could head out for some great tacos and get them at half price! Yumm, I love that place! A great outing or Raleigh date night idea is to head to a local restaurant with your groupon in hand or just head over to Chubby's Tacos if you haven't tried them yet! Enjoy a leisurely dinner and some fun conversation. If conversation doesn't come easy or you are tired of the same old topics, try spicing it up with some get to know you questions like these! It's fun to learn new things about your friend or significant other and I guarantee it'll lead to some laughs! Leave dinner and head to a local bookstore. Browse the travel section and plan a dream trip; look at pictures, maps, read about the culture...and then plan a trip that is realistic in the next year! Go to other sections of the store and try to find books you think your friend or significant other would like to read; show it to them and see how well you know them! You don't even have to buy any books, just enjoy spending time together in a new environment. If you're looking for a sweet treat after you've absorbed enough books, head to LocoPops near NC State! These are great frozen pops and you are supporting a local Raleigh business! You can wander around Hillsborough Street with your pop in hand and enjoy the rest of your evening. Date nights or nights out with friends don't have to be expensive, just doing something out of the norm will help deepen the relationship or friendship!! I encourage clients I'm seeing in counseling to be intentional with their friendships and relationships. This not only helps the relationship to improve but often has a positive impact on mood as well.

Another Raleigh Date Night Idea

We all know the classic date night: dinner and a movie. Here's a fun extended version of that classic idea if you are looking to make a full night of it enjoying downtown Raleigh. A great Raleigh theater is the Rialto. Nestled in downtown Raleigh, it offers a quaint location and great shows! Head downtown early in the evening and park in the 5 Points area. I love this area of town and could spend hours just wandering around the streets looking at houses and enjoying the great food!  While it's still light out, wander around the gorgeous historic homes off Glenwood Avenue. Head to Lilly's Pizza for a quality pie and then hit up the show at the Rialto. If you are looking for a tasty treat before the show, try Fresh at Five Points. My husband and I recently tried this sweet little ice cream and frozen yogurt shop and loved it! After the show head over to Third Place Coffee House and debrief about the movie; make time to intentionally talk together about not only the movie but also your relationship. What did you like about the movie? What did you dislike? What part was happiest, saddest, funniest, etc? What did it make you think about as it relates to your life? Any way the movie applies to your relationship? Then spend some time talking about your relationship specifically. How have you been feeling about the relationship lately? Share anything you could personally work to improve upon in the relationship. What is one way your significant other really made you feel special over the past week? What is one way your relationship has grown/improved over the past month/week? I encourage couples that I am seeing in marriage counseling or couples counseling to spend time doing these intentional talk times each week. Date night can really infuse love and positive energy into stagnant relationships. And for relationships that are going well, it helps keep things moving forward in an intimate and healthy direction!

Taking advantage of Raleigh

I try to blog frequently about things to do in Raleigh for many reasons. 1.Raleigh is a great place to live and there is so much to do, see and experience here. 2.People often complain that there's nothing to do in the place they live; I like to ensure people living in or around Raleigh cannot complain about that because there is so much to do here! 3.It's really important to be involved in our communities, to know what is going on and how to be able to access that. What we see and experience has the opportunity to impact us, to help us to grow, to see new things and mature as people. It also helps our relationships and friendships to grow when we experience fun things or new things together; we get to learn and grow together. Taking advantage of your community and what it has to offer is just one way to do this. Each week The Independent Weekly newspaper is printed and you can find it all around the Triangle area. It's a local newspaper that offers information about Triangle area food, music, film, art and entertainment. You can learn a lot about what is going on in Raleigh, Durham and Chapel Hill (as well as other little areas in the Triangle too). Each year they do a survey and readers get the chance to vote on various categories: Wine & Dine, Music & Clubs, Out & About, Goods, Services, and Media. Then they release a big "Best of" list that has the winners and finalists. The June 8 edition will have the Best of 2011. I encourage you to pick one up and see who won Best of 2011 in the Triangle. My husband and I use the best of list to plan our date nights; that way we don't end up at the same place each date and we can add a little variety into our dates. It helps us to try new things, learn new things about ourselves and each other and experience new things together which helps our relationship to grow. I hope you'll pick up the Independent's June 8 Best of the Triangle edition and start taking advantage of all the great things to see and do (and eat) in Raleigh! If you miss the printed version, they typically post it online. Here are the Best of 2010 winners! Start taking advantage of all Raleigh and the Triangle has to offer!

Raleigh Outdoor Movies & Music

Looking for something new to do for a night out to get you out of your same old routine? Movies in the Museum Park at the NC Museum of Art are a great idea for a night out! There are summer Concerts in the Museum Park as well! Whether you are looking for something fun to do with friends, your family or your significant other, finding something new (and fun) to do is not hard in the Raleigh area if you're willing to look around. A great way to beat the blues of depression is to plug into and take advantage of what your community has to offer. Don't get stuck doing the same thing day after day and don't fall prey to the negative self talk that says to "stay at home". The Raleigh area has so much to offer. Grab a friend or significant other and try heading out to one of these upcoming movies or concerts. Or be bold and brave it alone; challenge yourself to be confident as you are - you don't have to take anyone with you, just go! Yes it may be hot and humid, but doesn't it sound fun to watch a movie or listen to music outside with lots of other Raleigh locals!?

Raleigh Date Night Idea

Here's a local date night idea for couples or just a fun idea of something to do in the Raleigh area for anyone interested.

Movies by Moonlight at Koka Booth Amphiheatre in Cary; these aren't too expensive at all and who doesn't love the idea of sitting outside and watching a movie! Fun idea for a night out in the Raleigh area!

The Success of Persevering

Perseverance is defined as "to persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement" (courtesy of TheFreeDictionary.) Our fast paced society gives us every thing we need at the touch of a finger (thanks Apple) and that has damaged the perseverance of our culture. We no longer need to wait for things, work at things; we just click a button and there is what we need on a screen. The things that clients present to counseling to work on often need consistent and persistent work and most often clients are not willing to give that...at least not for long. Recently there was a huge success in one of the couples I counsel and all the credit goes to them and their perseverance!! They worked in counseling for several years and had been persisting at their goal. They achieved it and are thrilled! Their marriage will be truly blessed by their perseverance, not just in reaching this particular goal, but because of the character and devotion that was developed in their marriage. Not to say they didn't reach moments or weeks of discouragement or obstacles, because they most certainly did. But the difference with this couple is that they persevered and truly it made all the difference. I am so excited for their success but more thrilled for the foundation they have strengthened in their marriage by showing each other and themselves that they are willing and able to persevere through obstacles and discouragement to accomplish the goals of their marriage. Perseverance is a much needed quality; if we'll work to develop this in ourselves, we'll find our goals achieved...just not perhaps in our instant gratification time frame, but in a time frame that develops our character and deepens the intimacy in our relationships. 

Persistence & Sacrifice

Relationships are tough. Marriage can be more difficult than we ever imagined. In a great deal of my counseling work, I counsel worn out wives. They are trying their hardest to save and improve their marriages and I admire them so! Their persistence and sacrifice is more than admirable; it's inspiring! They get up each day and do their best to love their husbands even when they don't get emotional, mental, physical or spiritual love in return. They love anyways. Why? Because that is what love does. Love is not merely a feeling we feel and respond to; love calls us to action. And these women have entered into a covenant with their husbands. They've said that their marriages are different than the mere contracts that our society views marriage to be. These women have chosen to see their marriages Biblically; something that is broken by death, not unhappiness or inconvenience. They choose daily, sometimes 50 times per day, to love their husbands and choose their marriages over mere happiness. It's my honor to walk beside them as a Christian counselor and continue to encourage them towards their marriages and more importantly towards the Lord. They have persisted and sacrificed. They are a challenge to me in my own marriage to persist and sacrifice.

Always In Process

Relationships include pain; they aren't always movie-like. There is conflict, hurt, wounds and pain. There's also joy and love and blissful times too. When I'm working in counseling with individuals or couples, one partner is often on the verge of leaving. They are done with the work, done with the pain of the relationship. They are tired and wounded. I encourage them towards a bigger view of relationship. A song by The Civil Wars called "Poison and Wine" talks about the beauty and the pain of relationship. Sadly, I recently missed seeing them at The Pour House in Downtown Raleigh, but I'm hopeful they'll come back to Raleigh soon! One member of the group, Joy Williams talks about the heart behind their song. She says, "The longer you know someone - and the longer you allow someone to know you - the more the light and shadows inside each person become more vivid. This song was our attempt at being brutally honest about the dangerous and beautiful process of knowing and being known." If we choose to see the grander picture of our marriages, our relationships, then we can enjoy the "dangerous and beautiful process of knowing and being known." It can be so exciting, so reassuring to know that someone knows you that well and "always will". But all too often, one partner gets too weary of the journey and decides to end the relationship. That leaves the world with yet another divorce, more pain, and more wounded people. I encourage you to seek marriage therapy, couples counseling or individual therapy if you are getting to the place where you think of leaving more often than staying with relationship. Each of our relationships are in process and they have the capacity to turn us into deeper people if we'll see the bigger, grander view of relationship and keep walking forward.

The Importance of Date Night

When working with couples in couples counseling or marriage therapy, I always stress the importance of a weekly date night! Think of all the focused time we put into other things- work, household chores, raising kids, etc. A weekly date night gives couples time to intentionally focus on their relationship and on each other. It provides time to reflect on your relationship, share new ideas or dreams, discuss upcoming changes, debrief about a recent fight, etc. Date night should be a time to interact together: face time, quality time. Sure going to a movie every now and then is fun and I fully support that too! But try date nights where you focus on each other and the relationship...where you get to talk to one another instead of stare at a screen. Staring at a screen together is fun, but it's shoulder time (doing something together but not interacting). Face time is actually looking at each other's faces and interacting, engaging with one another! Some fun (and cheap) ideas for a quality date night are a coffee shop, First Friday in Downtown Raleigh, and the North Carolina Museum of Art (it has a whole section you can visit for free!). The last 2 are free for the most part, so money doesn't have to be an excuse. Date nights don't have to break your budget! Work on setting aside time each week to spend getting to know your significant other more, improving and deepening your relationship. You'll certainly see the fruit of those efforts!