Influencing Each Other

When we are in relationship with another, be it a friendship, romantic relationship, or a marriage, we have the ability to impact and influence each other. If we have hope and belief in the relationship, the relationship will be changed. Our positive attitudes and hope in the relationship can and will impact the other and the relationship itself. On the flip side, if we lose hope or stop having a positive attitude, the other in the relationship will sense that and be impacted. Think about times in your friendships or relationship when you have felt truly positive and hopeful about the relationship; I'd venture to say you notice something positive and hopeful in the other person. In relationships that are or have been particularly strained, this hope may take some time to infuse to the other, but it will. Just give it time. Take time to do things that communicate hope and belief in the relationship. In individual counseling or couples counseling with clients, I often focus on the power each partner has to communicate positive things and enact change in their relationships. By infusing hope, belief, and love into the relationship on a regular basis, your relationship can improve. If you are consistent, you'll notice impact on the other and in the relationship. It may not happen immediately and we are the society of quick fixes, so don't give up. Given time, the relationship will be influenced by your hope! 

Extending Grace

Grace is typically defined in Christian circles as unmerited favor; it's something we do not earn but are given freely. The Lord extends His grace so freely to us and that is a model for how we are called to live in relationship with others. His grace transforms us. How powerful to know that whether or not we are "good enough", we are given abounding grace! Grace is a powerful gift to give another freely and has the power to transform.

Giving grace to others not only helps to transform the relationship we have with them, but is also something powerful that can potentially transform both people individually. In couples therapy or marriage counseling, I often encourages clients to extend extra measures of grace to one another and to themselves when beginning the process of change. With clients in individual counseling, I encourage them to give grace to themselves as they begin to learn more about themselves and change as well!

A great professor I had during my graduate program, Dr. Michael Sytsma wrote an article on grace. His ministry, Building Intimate Marriages has many great resources. He is also the co-founder of the ministry Sexual Wholeness which is another great resource for intimacy issues in relationships.

Another great article about grace that I highly recommend is written by a talented friend, counselor, writer and colleague of mine, Jennie Brown. Her post challenges me to really think deeply about how I can give grace to others and what that might really look like.



A Relationship Resource

Whether you are married or in a relationship, conflict happens! The following website has many resources to help increase personal awareness, interpersonal skills, conflict resolution skills, communication skills, and more. The authors of the site and many of the accompanying resources are Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley. They have written numerous articles and books on friendships, relationships and marriage. This is a very helpful site with a great resource section. I use many of their principles in my counseling with adults and couples. I encourage you to check out the Smalley Marriage website!

Relationships & Work

We all work at something, whether it's a job, caring for kids, upkeep on a home, etc. Work is something we are all familiar with. Yet when it comes to relationships and even friendships, many of us think it should just "work". No effort needed, no time I must put in; it should just happen. My challenge to you is to think about your job that way. Would that work? Likely not. We put in effort and time into our work, whatever that may be. It's time we start putting that same effort and time into our relationships. Can you imagine how great your marriage would be if you devoted 40 hours a week to it!? But just a few minutes a day can make a huge improvement in a relationship. Really sitting down with your full attention, no distractions, and talking to your significant other, your mate, or a friend, can mean so much to them and can help to improve or deepen the relationship. And you might even enjoy it too! Give it a try!

At the beginning of my counseling work with couples who are in relationships or married, I begin to assess their view of relationships and how that view is hindering or helping their relationship growth. I often share with them about this concept and encourage the couples to think in terms of working at their relationship. Often the couples find the work is doable and really impacts the relationship positively. After even a few sessions of therapy, couples find that their relationship is seeing positive signs of healing, growth and change, mostly due to the way their view of the relationship is changing and the amount of effort they have been throwing at the relationship! Your relationship can experience this positive impact too!