Chasing Happiness

I hear so much in daily life (TV, movies, commercials, magazines, blogs, radio, etc) about "being happy". "I just want him/her to be happy." "If I just had (insert object, relationship, career), then I'd be happy." Chasing happiness has become something so central to our American society. I hear it all the time in my counseling office from various clients; teens, couples, families, men, women...they all claim if they could just figure this or that out, have this or that, or get rid of this or that, then they'd be happy. "Really?", I want to say. Really do you think you'd truly be happy then? Do you really think that getting him/her/it will make you happy? Of course, I tend to say those things with a bit more therapeutic tact than that. But my message is the same: do you think that getting what you want will make you happy? If happiness is your goal, will you ever truly find it and be able to maintain that state of happiness? I think not. Getting that relationship, career, object, or getting rid of either of those will not make someone happy. The way I see it, the problem is in the goal. If the goal is happiness found in the hands of other people or things, it will never last. People will disappoint us, there will always be some new object out there we just have to have, jobs are lost and interests shift. When happiness is our driving motivator, we'll always get let down. We'll always be chasing one thing or another or one person or another. As a Christian, happiness is not my goal. My goal is to know and love the Lord, to know and love others. If anything else is my goal, I'll be unfulfilled. If being happy is my goal then I'll be let down constantly. As believers in Jesus, we weren't promised happiness nor were we told that happiness should be what we incessantly strive after. We were actually told the opposite...Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) Wewill have trouble, things won't go our way, we will be let down, disappointed, suffer, hurt, etc. Those disappointments, hurts, sufferings can lead us to intimacy with Jesus and closeness with others. And in those things, there is great joy. Joy is deeper and much more lasting than happiness. Happiness tends to be based on situations and is fleeting. Joy is something that cannot be taken away by loss or change in situation. If you find yourself chasing happiness and ending up sad and disappointed more often than not, I'd encourage you to reassess your goal. Chasing happiness doesn't lead down any lasting path. Counseling can help you do that if you desire!

Raleigh Art in the Park

There are so many great things to do in the Raleigh area! As you can tell, I really like sharing the fun things I find to do in Raleigh with you. I think utilizing all your community has is one great way to stay grounded and healthy! As a counselor I'm always discussing with my clients the benefits of being connected in your community and accessing what your community has to offer. I also encourage the clients I see in counseling who are experiencing depression or stress to get outside and exercise. The fresh air and movement really help to decrease depression and stress. The NC Museum of Art has a great outdoor exhibit that you can visit. You can stroll through the museum's "Art in the Park" leisurely alone or with a friend. You can also kick it up a notch and exercise while you take in the art if you'd like! I have done both and loved the experiences. The art provides some great conversation starters with friends or significant others. My niece and nephew really enjoyed the exhibits too, so this can be a great family outing as well! I have seen families bring bikes, picnics and balls to play and enjoy the park and the art! This fall take some time to get outside and enjoy what your Raleigh community has to offer!

Made for Relationship

We were created for relationship. From birth we are in instant relationship with at least one other - the mother who birthed us. Situations change those early relationships: death, divorce, adoption, remarriage, sickness, distance, etc. But still, life has started out in relationship with another. Relationships continue throughout our lives even if we don't participate deeply in them- family, friends, significant others and the list goes on. Just because we were born into relationship though doesn't mean they are easy. Real relationship, deep relationship is difficult and time consuming; it doesn't "just happen" and then they don't just stay that way automatically. Relationships are work, work oftentimes we don't want to do because it requires time and honesty, which can be hard. The difficult stuff is worth it though, because to really be known intimately, and then loved all the more, is an incredible experience. I see many clients who often experience relational difficulty. It's not an uncommon problem. Relationships are tough; we all struggle with them in some form or fashion. And healing in relationships isn't easy, but it is possible! Past wounds do increase the difficulty we have in relationship. Trust can be difficult for those who have experienced betrayal or loss and vulnerability can be a challenge if we've been abused or wounded, but deep relationship is possible. Trust in relationship is achievable. Intimate vulnerability is something you can share with another. These things though take time, work and healing from past wounds. Often, clients I see feel healing isn't possible; they think deep relationship is not an option for them. But ah, how wrong they are! Trust, intimacy and vulnerability are possible for us all - it just takes time, work, healing and perseverance. If you struggle in relationships, consider counseling as an option to uncover where you struggle and how to overcome those struggles to experience deep relationship.

Fun Raleigh Outing / Date Night

Here's a fun outing whether you are looking for a new date night idea or just looking for something fun and different to do in Raleigh with friends! Groupon offers great coupons for local activities and restaurants. Recently I bought the Chubby's Tacos groupon so we could head out for some great tacos and get them at half price! Yumm, I love that place! A great outing or Raleigh date night idea is to head to a local restaurant with your groupon in hand or just head over to Chubby's Tacos if you haven't tried them yet! Enjoy a leisurely dinner and some fun conversation. If conversation doesn't come easy or you are tired of the same old topics, try spicing it up with some get to know you questions like these! It's fun to learn new things about your friend or significant other and I guarantee it'll lead to some laughs! Leave dinner and head to a local bookstore. Browse the travel section and plan a dream trip; look at pictures, maps, read about the culture...and then plan a trip that is realistic in the next year! Go to other sections of the store and try to find books you think your friend or significant other would like to read; show it to them and see how well you know them! You don't even have to buy any books, just enjoy spending time together in a new environment. If you're looking for a sweet treat after you've absorbed enough books, head to LocoPops near NC State! These are great frozen pops and you are supporting a local Raleigh business! You can wander around Hillsborough Street with your pop in hand and enjoy the rest of your evening. Date nights or nights out with friends don't have to be expensive, just doing something out of the norm will help deepen the relationship or friendship!! I encourage clients I'm seeing in counseling to be intentional with their friendships and relationships. This not only helps the relationship to improve but often has a positive impact on mood as well.

Taking advantage of Raleigh

I try to blog frequently about things to do in Raleigh for many reasons. 1.Raleigh is a great place to live and there is so much to do, see and experience here. 2.People often complain that there's nothing to do in the place they live; I like to ensure people living in or around Raleigh cannot complain about that because there is so much to do here! 3.It's really important to be involved in our communities, to know what is going on and how to be able to access that. What we see and experience has the opportunity to impact us, to help us to grow, to see new things and mature as people. It also helps our relationships and friendships to grow when we experience fun things or new things together; we get to learn and grow together. Taking advantage of your community and what it has to offer is just one way to do this. Each week The Independent Weekly newspaper is printed and you can find it all around the Triangle area. It's a local newspaper that offers information about Triangle area food, music, film, art and entertainment. You can learn a lot about what is going on in Raleigh, Durham and Chapel Hill (as well as other little areas in the Triangle too). Each year they do a survey and readers get the chance to vote on various categories: Wine & Dine, Music & Clubs, Out & About, Goods, Services, and Media. Then they release a big "Best of" list that has the winners and finalists. The June 8 edition will have the Best of 2011. I encourage you to pick one up and see who won Best of 2011 in the Triangle. My husband and I use the best of list to plan our date nights; that way we don't end up at the same place each date and we can add a little variety into our dates. It helps us to try new things, learn new things about ourselves and each other and experience new things together which helps our relationship to grow. I hope you'll pick up the Independent's June 8 Best of the Triangle edition and start taking advantage of all the great things to see and do (and eat) in Raleigh! If you miss the printed version, they typically post it online. Here are the Best of 2010 winners! Start taking advantage of all Raleigh and the Triangle has to offer!

Raleigh Outdoor Movies & Music

Looking for something new to do for a night out to get you out of your same old routine? Movies in the Museum Park at the NC Museum of Art are a great idea for a night out! There are summer Concerts in the Museum Park as well! Whether you are looking for something fun to do with friends, your family or your significant other, finding something new (and fun) to do is not hard in the Raleigh area if you're willing to look around. A great way to beat the blues of depression is to plug into and take advantage of what your community has to offer. Don't get stuck doing the same thing day after day and don't fall prey to the negative self talk that says to "stay at home". The Raleigh area has so much to offer. Grab a friend or significant other and try heading out to one of these upcoming movies or concerts. Or be bold and brave it alone; challenge yourself to be confident as you are - you don't have to take anyone with you, just go! Yes it may be hot and humid, but doesn't it sound fun to watch a movie or listen to music outside with lots of other Raleigh locals!?

Influencing Each Other

When we are in relationship with another, be it a friendship, romantic relationship, or a marriage, we have the ability to impact and influence each other. If we have hope and belief in the relationship, the relationship will be changed. Our positive attitudes and hope in the relationship can and will impact the other and the relationship itself. On the flip side, if we lose hope or stop having a positive attitude, the other in the relationship will sense that and be impacted. Think about times in your friendships or relationship when you have felt truly positive and hopeful about the relationship; I'd venture to say you notice something positive and hopeful in the other person. In relationships that are or have been particularly strained, this hope may take some time to infuse to the other, but it will. Just give it time. Take time to do things that communicate hope and belief in the relationship. In individual counseling or couples counseling with clients, I often focus on the power each partner has to communicate positive things and enact change in their relationships. By infusing hope, belief, and love into the relationship on a regular basis, your relationship can improve. If you are consistent, you'll notice impact on the other and in the relationship. It may not happen immediately and we are the society of quick fixes, so don't give up. Given time, the relationship will be influenced by your hope! 

Extending Grace

Grace is typically defined in Christian circles as unmerited favor; it's something we do not earn but are given freely. The Lord extends His grace so freely to us and that is a model for how we are called to live in relationship with others. His grace transforms us. How powerful to know that whether or not we are "good enough", we are given abounding grace! Grace is a powerful gift to give another freely and has the power to transform.

Giving grace to others not only helps to transform the relationship we have with them, but is also something powerful that can potentially transform both people individually. In couples therapy or marriage counseling, I often encourages clients to extend extra measures of grace to one another and to themselves when beginning the process of change. With clients in individual counseling, I encourage them to give grace to themselves as they begin to learn more about themselves and change as well!

A great professor I had during my graduate program, Dr. Michael Sytsma wrote an article on grace. His ministry, Building Intimate Marriages has many great resources. He is also the co-founder of the ministry Sexual Wholeness which is another great resource for intimacy issues in relationships.

Another great article about grace that I highly recommend is written by a talented friend, counselor, writer and colleague of mine, Jennie Brown. Her post challenges me to really think deeply about how I can give grace to others and what that might really look like.