Choosing Christ over Feelings

I work with a lot of clients in my counseling practice who are in very difficult situations. Some are grieving, some are broken and hurting, some are suffering. Some have lost loved ones, some are in difficult marriages, some are facing bullying or difficult relationships. Some struggle with self harm, anxiety, depression or anger. Weaved through all the Christian clients I see, as different as their circumstances may be, is a common theme we discuss and work towards: choosing Christ over our irrational feelings. Their feelings may be telling them to hurt their bodies, to leave their spouses, to engage in an extra-marital affair, to escalate to panic, to dwell in depression or to lash out in anger. I talk with my clients about whether they will allow those feelings to make their decisions and to influence their actions or whether they will engage their will, their spirit and the Lord in their actions, behaviors, thoughts and decisions. This is a difficult task for all of us but so important if we are going to live righteous, healthy lives. Our feelings are important; they are part of how we were created. Christ had feelings; He expressed grief, anguish, sadness, joy and happiness. Feelings are not bad! Feelings shouldn't be judged; they are what they are and that is OK. However, when we act solely based on our feelings without incorporating our will, intellect, spirit and rational thought is when we can get into trouble. We must consider Christ and dialogue with our feelings. It begins with acknowledging the feelings and then understanding their role. Accepting the feelings is an important piece; trying to push them away or deny them won't help! Why are the feelings there and what are they needing? Next you engage your will, your rational thinking and determine what those parts of you think (key word - think) about those feelings. Then the feelings and thoughts dialogue together to determine what is the healthiest next step. All the while, I encourage believers to be engaging Scripture and prayer in this entire process. We must slow down. Act, instead of react. Choose to engage Christ, rational thought and your will rather than simply letting emotions take charge and lead the way. Emotions are important and should be payed attention to. There should be other things we pay attention to also, not just our feelings. If this process seems difficult for you, seeking out Christian Counseling can be a great way to gain insight and coping skills that will help you to choose Christ, righteousness and health in your daily life! 

Anxiety- What's running wild in your mind?

What thoughts do you let run wild in your mind? A tiny bit of fear, nervousness or worry can turn into full blown anxiety or panic if we do not monitor our thoughts. Some fear is normal. Even some nervousness is normal. But when anxiety is consuming our thoughts, feelings and days, it's not normal. Anxiety sends us whirling into the future wondering about all kinds of "what if's". It takes us from the here and now and we begin to spiral towards panic. To break this spiral we have to tell ourselves to "stop". Stop dwelling on the fear, stop focusing on the "what if's". Choose to focus your mind on the here and now. You have control over what you think. We can't control the automatic thoughts that pop into our minds but each thought after that we can choose! Deep breathing can help you to refocus and regain control over your thoughts. Distracting yourself is another way to help get your thoughts out of the negative spiral and focused on the here and now. Inserting positive, rational, present-focused thoughts then helps to decrease the fear and anxiety. Anxiety can reap havoc on your life and relationships. You do not have to let anxiety control you. Choose to refocus your thoughts and stay mindful of the present moments. Individual counseling can help you identify further ways to decrease anxiety and take control of your thinking. Counseling can also help you understand the fears that trigger your anxiety and help you to learn how to manage them. You can learn to change your thinking which will change your feelings!

Care for You too, Ladies!

I work with many women in my counseling practice: single, married, divorced, kids, no kids, women who work inside the home and women work outside the home. A running theme with the women I counsel is a lack of self care. They are stressed out, burnt out, anxious, depressed or just flat out tired and they haven't been caring for themselves well. Self care is taking steps to be good to yourself, care for yourself, soothe yourself, nurture yourself, grow yourself, reflect on yourself. It's a time when you are only taking care of you. Self care isn't being at dinner with a friend and helping them through their problem; that's caring for them. Self care might look like a leisurely walk, reading a book, sitting and resting with a cup of tea, taking a class on something that interests you, getting a massage or pedicure, exercise, getting counseling for yourself individually. There's no right or wrong self care as long as it's caring for you and not others. Women tend to pour out more naturally than they tend to pour into themselves. Pouring out might look like work, career, child-rearing, taking care of the house, errands, time spent helping friends, etc. Anything we do to give of ourselves, our time, is us pouring out. Pouring out is not a bad thing at all; it's a healthy part of a balanced life. Most women love it, even thrive on it. It becomes destructive when we are not pouring back into ourselves or allowing others to pour back into us. When was the last time that an hour of your day was all about you, no one else? I know, I know..."I don't have that kind of free time." Truth is you must create it, carve it out of your day or else it won't happen. The day will slip away and you will have cared for everyone else except yourself. Some women find this kind of self care time to be selfish. It feels wrong to spend a few minutes a day on themselves. If this is you, it could be time to slip into counseling and explore this negative self talk or beliefs that prevent you from pouring into yourself so that in turn you have more to pour out into others! Take some time today, even 15 minutes and do something that pours into you, that requires nothing of you but instead gives back to you!

Giving Back at the Holidays

Christmas can be both an exciting time of year and a difficult one. All the decorations, music and festivities can be great when things are going well for you. But when relationships are difficult, when you've experienced loss or when you are depressed, holidays can be very hard. If you are experiencing a recent loss, consider reading this short article or reading some previous blogs that reference grief. If you find yourself feeling sad or depressed, here's a short article on depression and here are some blog posts about depression. Whether the holidays are an exciting time or a difficult time for you, giving back can be a powerful, wonderful thing! I encourage you to take a look at these Raleigh organizations and find a way you can use your time or your resources to give of yourself! Doing this can reduce stress, decrease anxiety, improve mood and give meaning to your grief and loss. There are so many in need and so many small but meaningful ways you can help someone else. The Salvation Army, the Raleigh Rescue Mission, the Women's Center of Wake County, InterAct of Wake County, SAFEchild, and the United Way are just a few local organizations that have a multitude of ways you can help someone this holiday season. Take some time this week and find a way to give back. Schedule time to follow through. See if it doesn't improve your mood and lighten your load! If you are having difficulty this holiday season with sadness, depression, anxiety, grief or loss, consider giving the gift of counseling to yourself! Allowing someone to walk through your difficult time with you can be such a gift. Happy Holidays!

Gratitude Improves Mood!

Thanksgiving is this week and is a good reminder to focus on being thankful for all we have! Gratitude helps improve our mood in so many ways. It takes the focus off where we aren't, what we don't have and puts it on where we are and what we do have! This greatly boosts mood and can decrease stress and anxiety too! When all we think about is what we are lacking or where we wish we were, we are dissatisfied with life and sad or angry. But when we shift our focus to the positive things about the place we are and the good things we do have, we have a more healthy perspective and our mood improves. In addition, stress and anxiety often decrease. Try making a list this week of all the things you are thankful for, all the things you do have and the things that are good about the place you are in right now. Be specific, think of small things too! For example, do you have a place to lay down at night that is safe and warm? Some people do not. Do you have clothes to wear and food to eat and a way to get from point A to point B? Many people don't. We tend to take things for granted and we need to remind ourselves that we have quite a bit! The fact that I can walk, talk, see and hear are great blessings that I often take for granted. It's good to get in the habit of being thankful for the things and abilities you do have as well as the opportunities available to you; this helps you get outside of your current situations or problems and remember that there is so much to be grateful for in your life! Happy Thanksgiving!

Teens & Stress

I see quite a bit of teenagers and their families for counseling. One of the biggest issues I see is stress - now it may also be accompanied with anxiety and/or depression, but stress is what a lot of teenagers are experiencing. What I don't often see are teens who know how to effectively handle that stress. So instead they act out, engage in sexual activity, get into drugs or alcohol, cut themselves or harm their bodies in other ways or yell and argue with their parents. What a lot of teens are saying through these actions is "help me, I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do!" Now this isn't the case for every teenager, but many that I see are feeling overwhelmed, under immense pressure from parents or at school, have difficulties in their friendships or romantic relationships. Perhaps they are being picked on or bullied at school and they struggle with low self-esteem. Sometimes what helps is to decrease the amount of activities teens are involved in so there's less stress. Other times they need to hear their parents say they love them and that A's are not the goal but rather trying their best is the aim. Open communication between parents and teens will often times decrease stress in a teens life when done in a healthy, supportive and positive manner. Stress is all around us; we have to know how to manage our stress or how to eliminate stress that can be eliminated. A lot of stress we bring on ourselves; maybe we are over-involved or haven't resolved conflicts with loved ones that need to be resolved. Maybe we aren't engaging in enough positive activities that we enjoy. Increasing positive activities in our life can help decrease stress for some people. We also often engage in irrational thinking patterns and negative self-talk that increase our stress. I work with clients in counseling (teens and adults) to identify their thinking patterns and the way they are talking to themselves. We often uncover unhealthy, irrational thought patterns that lead to increased stress, anxiety and depression. Also, we find a stream of negative self-talk running through clients' minds that is not helping them in any positive way! One way to decrease stress is to examine these things - thought patterns and self-talk - to determine if they are healthy and rational. If not, the next step is to identify a healthy, rational and positive alternative to the negative, irrational thought. It takes some time but the more we speak the rational, positive thought to ourselves, the less stress, anxiety and depression we experience. If your teen is experiencing stress, anxiety or depression, I encourage you to open a dialogue about that. If they are resistant to that, enlisting the help of a counselor can be a great next step!

Letting Ourselves Grieve

I work with a lot of clients who are grieving. They come to counseling overwhelmed and often times haven't really even started grieving yet. They have lost fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives and friends. They have lost sons, daughters, grandparents, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, cousins, homes, jobs and dreams. Grief is a tough, complicated beast. It hits us out of nowhere and can knock us down in a split second. It comes in waves and never fully goes away. People experiencing grief often try to compartmentalize it, lock it away or save it for "later". Grief does not typically comply with these requests and rules. Grief invades, takes over and settles in when we least expect it and when we'd rather it not. Healthy grieving includes giving ourselves permission to grieve. It may not be pretty, it may not go according to our schedule or wishes but it's needed and healthy to walk with grief when it pops up. Clients tell me about the many ways they shove their grief aside, stuff it back down and hide it away. These reactions are normal; we typically do what we can to avoid pain. But it's healthier to find ways to incorporate the grief into daily life whenever it decides to show up. I'm not saying you have to take the rest of the day off work if grief shows up mid-morning (though maybe that's not a bad idea and maybe you need that- that's OK). It's important to find ways to honor the feelings, acknowledge the grief and then ease back into the task at hand. Perhaps that looks like taking a 5 minute walk outside thinking about the loss, the pain and the grief. Maybe it looks like sending an email to a friend or loved one about the pain and sadness you are experiencing. It might look like writing yourself a brief note about the memories, thoughts or feelings that grief has brought up and then scheduling a time later that day to come back to those and pay special attention to them. The key is to allow yourself to pay attention to the feelings, thoughts and memories that are there when they arrive; feel them, think them, remember them, even if it's only briefly. You can limit how much time you stay in that place but giving yourself time to grieve in that moment is an important part of healthy grieving. Counseling can help you learn ways to grieve as well as uncover patterns and reasons for pushing the grieve aside. I hope we can all work towards letting ourselves grieve.

Chasing Happiness

I hear so much in daily life (TV, movies, commercials, magazines, blogs, radio, etc) about "being happy". "I just want him/her to be happy." "If I just had (insert object, relationship, career), then I'd be happy." Chasing happiness has become something so central to our American society. I hear it all the time in my counseling office from various clients; teens, couples, families, men, women...they all claim if they could just figure this or that out, have this or that, or get rid of this or that, then they'd be happy. "Really?", I want to say. Really do you think you'd truly be happy then? Do you really think that getting him/her/it will make you happy? Of course, I tend to say those things with a bit more therapeutic tact than that. But my message is the same: do you think that getting what you want will make you happy? If happiness is your goal, will you ever truly find it and be able to maintain that state of happiness? I think not. Getting that relationship, career, object, or getting rid of either of those will not make someone happy. The way I see it, the problem is in the goal. If the goal is happiness found in the hands of other people or things, it will never last. People will disappoint us, there will always be some new object out there we just have to have, jobs are lost and interests shift. When happiness is our driving motivator, we'll always get let down. We'll always be chasing one thing or another or one person or another. As a Christian, happiness is not my goal. My goal is to know and love the Lord, to know and love others. If anything else is my goal, I'll be unfulfilled. If being happy is my goal then I'll be let down constantly. As believers in Jesus, we weren't promised happiness nor were we told that happiness should be what we incessantly strive after. We were actually told the opposite...Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) Wewill have trouble, things won't go our way, we will be let down, disappointed, suffer, hurt, etc. Those disappointments, hurts, sufferings can lead us to intimacy with Jesus and closeness with others. And in those things, there is great joy. Joy is deeper and much more lasting than happiness. Happiness tends to be based on situations and is fleeting. Joy is something that cannot be taken away by loss or change in situation. If you find yourself chasing happiness and ending up sad and disappointed more often than not, I'd encourage you to reassess your goal. Chasing happiness doesn't lead down any lasting path. Counseling can help you do that if you desire!

Benefits of Getting Alone

There is relevance in being alone; solitude is important. It's beneficial to be able to be by yourself and be OK. If you are not able to be alone for at least small periods of time and be OK, something is going on. Being alone helps us to know ourselves and grow in comfort with ourselves. Solitude can increase self awareness through reflection on how we are doing, what we like, how we feel, etc. I encourage my clients in counseling to set aside time regularly to be alone. Perhaps it's going to a coffee shop, like Cafe Helios downtown, and journaling. Maybe it's taking a scenic drive or going for a hike (safely) at Umstead State Park. Consider it investing in yourself. Ultimately this helps all aspects of your life: work-life balance, relationships, friendships, even self-esteem. The more we know ourselves, the more we can invest in ourselves, the healthier we can become. In a world full of distractions, it is important to be able to get alone and rest, reflect and sift through all the noise. This way we can determine who we are, what we like, what we need and what is healthy and true. 

Serve your Community & Boost your Mood

A great way to kick depression, increase self esteem and get involved in your community is through serving. Volunteering in your community can significantly impact your mood for the better and increase self esteem. Getting outside ourselves helps us to realize things for which we can be thankful; it helps us to know we can make a difference. The surprising twist of volunteering is that typically we end up feeling joy in return for helping others! It feels good to get outside ourselves and help. When all we do is stare at our own circumstances, we can feel hopeless. But when we take time to serve others, we see a bigger perspective; life isn't solely about what is in front of our faces. There are great organizations in the Raleigh area that need volunteers. The Raleigh Rescue Mission and the Shepherd's Table Soup Kitchen are just two of these local organizations where you can serve and volunteer. These are great places to serve on your own, with your family or grab a bunch of friends and volunteer! I encourage clients that I see in counseling to get outside themselves every now and then and volunteer! Depression keeps us focused inward on our pain, discouragement and current circumstances. Volunteering helps us to see that life isn't just about what we are experiencing currently; there are others in our community who are also having a difficult time, struggling to make ends meet and needing help. When we can reach out and help others, we feel more connected to our community and also a sense of empowerment that we can make a difference! I encourage you to look for opportunities to serve in your area. If you live in the Raleigh area, consider contacting one of these agencies to volunteer!

The Self Esteem Struggle

Many female clients that I see struggle with low self esteem. In fact, many people in general (myself included) struggle with low self esteem at times. We often play the comparison game; a horrible game that we rarely win. We attempt to fight and often give into messages we hear from those around us, from society, or from the media (Internet, TV, Hollywood, magazines). These messages rarely tell us truth about ourselves, our hearts or our bodies. The messages we receive tell us to change ourselves, fix ourselves and improve ourselves but rarely is it towards health...it is often to push ourselves toward some unhealthy, irrational ideal. We are lied to by these messages yet often we change our habits and our lifestyles (and our budgets) to fit into what these messages tell us to become. How crazy is this?! I encourage clients I see in counseling to filter the messages they hear and determine how true they are, how rational they are, and if they are even near healthy. We discuss the foundation of their identity and who they are allowing to dictate changes in their lives. We discuss rational views of self and ways to challenge the irrational views we often hold for ourselves. We can improve the way we see ourselves and feel about ourselves if we will monitor the messages we listen to and ensure we are listening to messages of truth. Then we must fight to talk to ourselves in kind, truthful and positive ways that lead to healthy lives. We must determine if the sources we are allowing to dictate our identity and feelings about ourselves are valid. If you struggle with feeling low about yourself at time, counseling can be a great outlet to assess your basis of identity and to learn how to filter and challenge unhealthy and unhelpful messages you are hearing! 

Grieving with Hope

In my counseling work I see many clients struggling with grief. They struggle often because of the unhelpful ideas they have or others have given them about grief; our society impacts these unhelpful ideas as well. We hear ideas like "Grieving should be over after the one year anniversary of the lost loved one.", "Once you have dealt with your grief, it shouldn't come up again.", "After a year, you shouldn't get upset about losing your loved one anymore.". There are many other myths about grieving that are unhelpful to those who are bereaved. However, the truth is that grief is a normal reaction to loss and death, each person's experience of grief is unique, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Every loss is different and the grieving process is influenced by a multitude of issues. Grief never ends; we will always miss our loved one who has died and the pain of grief will always be around in some manner at times. Death may end a life, but it doesn't end a relationship. We can learn how to maintain a relationship with the loved one we have lost; though their physical body is no longer present with us, the love and connection that we share remains. For those who claim Christ and believe in His salvation for eternal life, we have a strong hope to cling to in our grief (1 Thessalonians 4:13). We do not have to grieve without hope, for we know what waits past death: eternity! Yes we will grieve and be saddened by our loss; this was someone we loved deeply and miss dearly. But we can grieve in light of the hope that we have and that puts our pain in a different perspective. There are days where the hope is hard to cling to and that is normal. However, if we will remind ourselves of Truth, we can experience joy even in our pain. If grieving with hope is difficult to do and the hope seems difficult to attain, consider Christian Counseling for the grief you are experiencing. It can be a powerful healing experience for you in your loss and pain.

Self Harm & Self Mutilation

I often see clients dealing with issues involving self harm or self mutilation. Self mutilation is something that many people- pre-teens, teenagers and even adults, choose as a way to deal with what they are feeling. In my counseling work, I talk with clients about their reasons for turning to self harm as a coping mechanism. I hear all kinds of different things, but often it comes back to pain and not knowing any other way to make the pain go away but to inflict it upon themselves. The client is in pain and doesn't know what to do or how to cope effectively or in a healthy manner and instead turns to self mutilation as a way to make the pain stop or at least lessen. Sadly though, self harm is just a temporary fix for the pain and it often comes back. I believe we were created for relationships. God exists in relationship with Himself, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and He created us for relationship with Him and with others. When we harm ourselves, we are not relating to others. We are only "talking" to ourselves. The pain has no where to go, no way to get better, no shoulder to cry on. Pain needs to be shared, feelings need to be voiced, burdens need to be shouldered- and not just alone. In counseling with clients who use self harm as a coping mechanism, I often encourage them to make a list of healthy, positive alternatives and to remove the items they typically use to harm themselves from their surroundings. We discuss ways to express emotions in healthy ways to others and ways to share feelings with another as openly as possible. If you use self mutilation as a coping skill and realize it's not healthy for you nor is it really making the pain go away, I encourage you to try counseling as a way to help you overcome the struggle and learn that deeper healing is possible for you!

Grief stops for no man

Our society tells us that grief is something we should "get over" or that after a while we should "move on". But this makes no sense to someone who is deeply grieving. And actually, it's just not true. We do not ever "get over" someone we love and shared a relationship with- be it family, a significant other, a child or a friend. We never "move on" from these losses. Yes, we can move forward; we can get back to doing regular life things. But we do not let those relationships go completely, at least I hope you are not because you do not have to. It is appropriate to "move on" from the intense grieving period where crying is a regular occurrence, going to work isn't happening and eating and sleeping are difficult. It's important that you can get to a place where you can complete daily activities such as sleeping, eating, self care and working or going to school. But emotionally grief will resurface often. And it has no timeline, unlike what society tells us. Most people would say that after a year, you should be "over it". But if you have lost a child, a brother, a spouse- is that realistic? I think not! Grief research would agree with me. It is important for grievers to reengage in society - socialize, work, take care of yourself, invest in others. But there is no timeline for grief. It is completely normal if after a year, or after 3 years, or more something reminds you of the one who died and you have a moment to cry and grieve for them. There will be days that you miss them so much you actually ache and that doesn't just happen within the first year. One of the biggest things I work with clients who are engaging in grief counseling is to remove the expectations and time lines they place on themselves that they should be "over it" or "better" than they are. That does nothing to heal the hurts or soothe the loss. It can actually counteract the healing process. Time lines and expectations based on false information or based on our society's view of grief are lies and allowing them to dictate your grief is unhealthy. Take your time to grieve; after all the relationship you had with the one you lost is unique. Grief counseling can help you sort through the pain, wounds and loss you have experienced. But there's no time lines there either! 

Get outside Raleigh!

Depression and stress can leave you wanting to stay inside, crawl in a hole and isolate. You may not "feel" like you want to do anything, but you can choose to do different. And often by choosing the opposite of what you are feeling, you'll begin to feel better. Depression says to you, "stay inside, don't do anything fun, nothing will help, it's hopeless." Stress says, "there's too much, it's all too overwhelming, nothing will help." And thus discouragement sets in. I encourage my clients seeking counseling to get outside; get some good Vitamin D (but wear sunscreen)! :) Choose to be active. Don't let your feelings decide what you will or will not do. Do something new, something fun; get around people. Take some friends, a family member or your significant other and do something outside. This weekend in downtown Raleigh's Moore Square and City Plaza is a great event called Artsplosure. There is art, crafts, music and fun stuff for kids too! Try something new, tap into some creative energy seeing all the fun art and crafts. I hope you'll get outside this weekend Raleigh!

Rest...It's a Beautiful Thing

Living in the fast-paced, bustling society we do, rest is not something that is typically prioritized or valued very highly. Yet it can be quite the antidote to stress and anxiety. Learning how to rest, learning what things are restful for you is a much needed skill and a great tool to decrease stress and anxiety. Perhaps it's reading a book, talking a walk, being outside on a beautiful day, engaging in a hobby or sitting at coffee with a good friend; whatever is restful to you, whatever rejuvenates you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually should be prioritized into your routine. We make time for work, bills and gassing up our cars...rest should be included in the things we must do each week too! Counseling can be a great way to learn how to slow down, re-prioritize, filter through what things are actual necessities and what can go and to learn how to rest. Resting isn't always something we can just sit down and do; sometimes it takes some practice and trial and error to learn what actually "rests" us. If we have become hardened to rest and accustomed to a fast pace, learning to slow down is not easy! Certainly rest will ease the intensity of stress and decrease the anxiety or worry that is present when it is regularly incorporated into daily routine and lifestyle. So try to begin resting, being still; incorporate it in to your routine. I bet you see decrease in the stress and worry you currently experience. And if you attempt resting and it's just not helping, maybe reach out for some counseling to help! 

Change Your Mind

We often don't realize the power of our thoughts. But they are quite powerful. Our thoughts impact our feelings and our feelings often impact our behavior. Typically we get wrapped up in our emotions and let them lead the way. But we have the ability to control our thought life. We don't control automatic thoughts (the initial thought that comes popping into our minds) but we have the ability to control all the thoughts after that. We can tell ourselves rational and positive things that lead to our negative emotions decreasing and lead to an increase in positive feelings. Learning to control your thoughts will greatly impact your feelings and your overall mood. Counseling can be a great tool to teach you ways to become aware of your thoughts and learn ways to control negative thinking and increase positive thinking. A great way to start doing this on your own is to check-in with your thoughts 3 times a day for a week. During this check-in, write down what you are thinking for a few minutes 3 times a day. Then at the end of the week, take a look at your writings. I bet you find themes that you are thinking about or topics that appear frequently and often you'll find yourself to be thinking irrational, negative things. Write down positive alternative thoughts to the negative thoughts and then 3 times a day for the following week, read those. You will likely notice that you will begin to think less of the irrational, negative thoughts and more frequently think of the rational, positive thoughts that you were feeding yourself! Try it and see. For more information on this topic, you can read this article I wrote about anxiety and your thought life.